Topic: B!tch, Don't Correct Me! - The Joke Thread

[BlackNMild2k1]

$280,000 Mortgage

 For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed
bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on
this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way
we can afford it.

' The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out
the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'
Little Joseph told him;

'I was walking past your room last night and
heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to
wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here
by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!

[BeautifulShy]

Ha Ha that was good.

[BlackNMild2k1]

Congratulations!! You Had Twins!!!

A pregnant North Carolina lady is involved in a car accident in New York and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically
asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. 
Your brother from North Carolina flew in and named them.     

The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh no, not my brother...he's an idiot!'
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, 'Well, what's the girl's name?     

"Denise", the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, 'Wow, that's not a bad name at all, guess I was wrong about my brother.
I like Denise!' Then she asks the doctor, 'What's the boy's name?'     

The doctor replies, 'Denephew'

[BranDonk Kong]

Yeah, that joke is ancient history...and it's "congratulations", had to point it out. I like the mortgage one though, I've told it to lots of people.

[BlackNMild2k1]

Tiger Tiger Woods Y'all

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to
consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the
 husband, 'I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin.'

The husband replies, 'That's no big thing in this day and age.'

 The wife continues, 'Yeah, I've been with one guy.'

 'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?'
                       
'Tiger Woods.'
                       
 'Tiger Woods the golfer?'

 'Yeah.'

 'Well he's rich , famous and handsome. I can see why you
went to bed with him.'
                       
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they
finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

 'What are you doing?' asks his wife.
                       
The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was going to call room
service and get some food.'

 'Tiger wouldn't do that!' she claims.

 'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

 'He'd come back to bed and do it a second time.'

 The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to
make love with his wife a second time. When they finish,
he gets up and goes over to the phone.

'What are you doing?' she asks.

The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so I was going to call
room service to get some food.'
                       
'Tiger wouldn't do that,' again she claims.

'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'
                       
 'He'd come back to bed and do it a third time.'
                       
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and
makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he's
tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and
starts to dial.

The wife asks, 'Are you calling room service?'

'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for
this damn hole!'

[Stogi]

I got one!

What's the difference between Simba from the Lion King and Obama?

Ones an African lion and the others a lying African.

[BeautifulShy]

That one is great Black&Mild.
Stogi not bad but you could work on the delivery.

[BranDonk Kong]

It's official - Stogi made this a POLITCAL THREAD and now it must be locked! I...can't be seen here.

[Stogi]

Well, I tried.

[BlackNMild2k1]

I got one!

What's the difference between Simba from the Lion King and Obama?

Ones an African lion and the others a lyin' African.

there, I think I fixed your joke.

[Stogi]

hahaha

Why would somebody make something so trivial?

[BlackNMild2k1]

did you click on it?
its also a link now

[EasyCure]

trivial!??!?! i'm using that ALL THE TIME FROM NOW ON!

thanks BnM!

[nickmitch]

I have an app on my phone for just that reason.

[EasyCure]

share plz!

[nickmitch]

It's an iPhone app I got from jailbreaking.  It's called iDrums.

[vudu]

I just thought of a Popsicle-stick quality joke.

Where is it still socially acceptable to segregate the whites from the coloreds?

At the laundromat!

I crack myself up.

[blackfootsteps]

I was thinking pool table!

[BlackNMild2k1]

Hmmm. I was thinking Mississippi, Alabama & West Virginia

[EasyCure]

god i love that instant rimshot! it makes life so much better

[nickmitch]

You and Erykah Badu have somehting in common, then.

[BlackNMild2k1]

A Dirty Double Feature - Sick Jokes for the Sick Minded - You Have Been Warned

A man goes to a whorehouse but he only has $2... so they tell him "go to the last room upstairs, we have a dead hooker". So he goes upstairs and comes back down a while later and they asked him how it was. "It was fine... the only problem was that her nose kept running."

"Oh, she's probably full." - Gilbet Godfried

-------------------------------------------

A very broke, pitiful & desperate man with literally one dollar left to his name is  horny beyond all belief. So horny he's likely to **** the first thing moving, if it would let him.  The man is so desperate to get laid he goes to his local whorehouse and meets with the person in charge of all the whores.

"What can I get for a dollar?" asks the man.

"There's not really much that I can do for you for only a dollar," replies the woman in charge. "If you're really desperate, I can set you up with Mildred, but be aware that she is a dirty, disgusting woman."

The man, still horny beyond belief, accepts the offer and hands over his dollar. The woman takes him in the back of the whorehouse where he walks into a dark room and meets Mildred. Not only is she ugly, she has sores all over her skin, wrinkly skin hanging down all over her body, warts all over her face and is balding considerably. The man, still horny as a dog in heat, walks over to her and prepares for insertion.

"It's really scratchy and painful down there," the man says to Mildred.

"One second and I'll fix it," she replies.

The man gives her a couple of minutes and then tries reinserting himself. "Wow," he says, "this is much better. This is like the best sex of my life. How did you make it so much better?" he asks.

"I just picked off the scabs and let the pus start flowing."

[BlackNMild2k1]

Fruit Salad

Three men are washed ashore on an unexplored island. Shortly afterwards all three are captured by the local - cannibal - populace, and are taken before the chief. Begging for their lives, the chief tells them that if any man can pass his test, then that man will be allowed to live.

Each man agrees to take the test, as they don't want to be eaten by cannibals; so the chief tells each man to go find 10 of any fruit, and then return to finish the second part of the test.

The first man runs off and finds 10 apples and returns to the chief. The chief then tells him the second part of the test - the man must insert all 10 of the apples into his ass without showing any emotion to be allowed to live. The first man inserts 9 of his apples into his ass, but winces in pain when pushing in the 10th apple, so he is killed and eaten.

The second man finds 10 blueberries, returns and is told how to complete the test. The second man inserts 9 of the blueberries into his ass, but then starts laughing when pushing the 10th blueberry in, so he is killed and eaten.

After reaching the afterlife, the first man confronts the second man and asks him, "Why did you start laughing? You were almost there!?"

The second man responds, "I know, but I saw the third guy coming. He was carrying pineapples."

[EasyCure]

Not what i expected, but still good.

[Stogi]

That's a version of an joke I heard in Egypt 9 years ago!