Topic: Its All Work Related!!

[BlackNMild2k1]

Chapter I: Corporate Lessons

Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a
towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob,
the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you
$800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops
her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob
hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel
and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,
"Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit
and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

[BlackNMild2k1]

Corporate Lesson 2

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The
nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun
once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized
"Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun
went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look
up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find
glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job,
you might miss a great opportunity.  

[BlackNMild2k1]

Corporate Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes
out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first!
Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving
a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next!
Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the
beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and
the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says
to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office
after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

[Arbok]

I tried to read one, I really did, but my eyes went cross as they kept peeking over at your avatar...

[BlackNMild2k1]

Corporate Lesson 4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,
"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow
answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the
crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high
up.

[BlackNMild2k1]

Corporate Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're
packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found
that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of
the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of
the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there.

[Berto2K]

hahaha those were funny

[ShyGuy]

Give em the pickle!

[nickmitch]

I feel so edumacated.

[BlackNMild2k1]

Chapter II: The Work Aptitude Test

WORK APTITUDE TEST

            The following short quiz consists of 4 questions which
            will tell you whether or not you are qualified to be a
            professional.

            Scroll down for each answer: The questions are NOT that
            difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have
            answered the question!

Question #1
           
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?







            The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in
            the giraffe, and close the door.



This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
   

[S-U-P-E-R]

My initial thought was "cut it up" which is an even shorter answer

[BlackNMild2k1]

Question #2  

2 . How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?







            Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in
            the elephant, and close the refrigerator? Wrong
            Answer.



            Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the
            giraffe, put in the elephant, and close the door.



This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

[BlackNMild2k1]

Question #3

 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All
            the animals attend ... except one. Which animal does
            not attend?






            Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the
            refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests
            your memory.



Okay even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly,
you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.  

[ThePerm]

damn that avatar accentuates your suave corperate nature. Its  damn smooth.

[BlackNMild2k1]

Why thank you, now pay attention and try not to cheat on the test

[BlackNMild2k1]

Question #4

4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited
            by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you
            manage it?





            Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim
            across. Have you not been listening? All the
            crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.


This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.




            According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90%
            of the professionals they tested got all questions
            wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct
            answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively
            disproves the theory that most professionals have the
            brains of a four year old.

[BlackNMild2k1]

Chapter III: How to Poop at Work

How To Poop At Work: Part 1 of 4


We've all been there but don't like to admit it.
We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly
felt something brewing down below.
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise,
the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate
pooping at work, following the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk really fast around the office
so the smell is not in your area and everyone gets a
whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be
careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full
fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to
make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before
pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If
there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT
FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch
you constantly going to the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at
the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This
usually is accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not
acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you
are standing next to the farter, pretend you did not
hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.  

[BlackNMild2k1]

How To Poop At Work: Part 2 of 4

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a
machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of
diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, DO
NOT PANIC. Remain in the stall until everyone has
left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness
of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
This is the act of flushing the toilet the instant
the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of
air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This
can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
This happens when you walk from the stall, to the
sink, and to the door after you just stunk up the
bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it
is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.
This can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY
FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn
proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE
CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
a magazine under their arm. Always look around the
office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before
entering the bathroom.

[BlackNMild2k1]

How To Poop At Work: Part 3 of 4

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N.):
This is the group of co-workers who band together to
ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident.
The P.F.N . group can help you monitor the
whereabouts of Out Of the Closet Poopers and
identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:
This is a seldom used bathroom somewhere in the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try
floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in
the stall and tries to force the door open. This is
one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR
leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable
eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:
This is a phony cough that alerts all new entrants
into the bathroom that you are in the stall. This
can be used to cover up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential TURD BURGLARS. This can be very effective
when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

[Bill Aurion]

*beats BlackNMild with the stupid stick*

[BlackNMild2k1]

How To Poop At Work: Part 4 of 4

ASTAIRE:
This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a
stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the
bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in
peace.

WATERMELON:
This is a poop that creates a loud splash when
hitting the toilet water. This is also an
embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:
This happens with a case of diarrhea that creates a
series of loud splashes in the toilet water. This is
often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a
CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED:
This is a bathroom user who seems to linger around
forever. This individual spends extended lengths of
time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on
the crapper. You should always wait to poop when the
bathroom is empty. This will benefit you as well as
the others in the building.

[Hostile Creation]

You are ridiculous.

I remember that logic test from a while back.  I think I got the last one right, maybe the third.  Possibly both.  I thought it was cool either way.

[BlackNMild2k1]

Well I have a Chapter IV: Pranks to Play when a Co-Worker's Away
but they are mostly pictures, and I ran out of space to store them at photobucket.

I was mixing things I wanted to post during a very long boring  period at work with the need to keep myself busy on a stay-in friday nite.

[vudu]

Quote
ASTAIRE:
This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in
peace.

Apparently I have very poor work bathroom etiquette.  I usually try to guess who's going number two by the shoes and then peer over the top of the stall to see if I was correct.

[couchmonkey]

Out of the closet pooper.