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General Chat / I need help... again
« on: February 25, 2005, 08:33:53 AM »
I've been writing a story with a mate for a little while now. Here is a little extract. Can you comment on it please. And I know its a bit like Tales of Symphonia.
"After edit"
I've taken your advice and changed the story please read it all if you're going to comment because it slowly becomes less and less like tales of Symphonia.
“Lloyd, wake up Lloyd.”
The Professor threw a book at the sleeping boy.
“Honestly Lloyd you’re the only boy I know who can sleep standing up,” Lloyd picked himself off the floor and wiped the dust off his red coat, his brown hair respikeing above his head.
“I’m sorry Professor er…is class over?”
“No Lloyd” said the Professor her typical elfin hair flowing round her shoulders. “Now get out your textbook. We’ll be studying history with the rise of the LABian Empire.”
The Professor looked round the wooden classroom. It had once been so different. She knew from her past experience. Before the rebellion 50 years ago the classroom had running water, central heating and electric lighting. When the LABian Empire agreed to leave they took all their technology with them. You could still see ships in the sky but they never landed. Without LABian technology the planet had been plunged into a new dark age. The teenagers that filled the room would never know about LAB except through the precious few old history books. The Professor looked around the classroom, her best student was Virgil; he had a real grip of all subjects. Charlotte was almost as bright but preferred not to let on just how bright. Then there was Lloyd; he never seemed to take in what she was talking about. She only managed to get him to read by telling him that warriors needed to read and write. Virgil was not only her brightest pupil but also her brother. Both elves had a love of knowledge but in another 50 years all this knowledge will have probably disappeared.
“Virgil can you tell us about the rise of LAB?”
“Certainly Professor. A self-confessed computer wiz kid created LAB, the planet, as his own adaptable planet. He created the first solid planet out of digital code…”
“I’m sorry, digital what?” interrupted Charlotte’s silvery voice. Charlotte was a beautiful girl thought the Professor with her blonde hair falling below Charlotte’s well-defined shoulders.
“Digital code,” the Professor explained. “Is the way of getting something to your maths done for you although it can be used for other things and Hadrian the first Emperor of LAB used it to build his planet. Carry on Virgil.”
“Yes, anyway,” continued Virgil. “Hadrian found with the adaptable digital code could allow him to create anything he wanted and so he and his childhood friend General Adam decided to build an army and forge one of the first intergalactic Empires. Of cause this was over 10,000 years ago and the Emperor 60 years ago was an utter idiot and that was why we the Aerthians rebelled. It’s a good thing that Emperor Edward XVIII had some good advisers and decided not to attack us because we would have bashed the bleeders to…”
“Thank you Virgil you may stop there,” The Professor finished as Virgil bashfully sat down. The Professor was about to launch into one of her famous lectures when the hourglass turned over signalling the end of school.
“Saved by the glass,” said Lloyd to Virgil on the way out of the creaking room.
“Lloyd school is a valuable use of time,” retorted Virgil.
“Not for me. I’m going to join the Aerthian army,” said Lloyd tapping his crude homemade steal swords. “My one true skill, being able to use a sword.”
“Your not wrong there,” Virgil teased as they passed the school gate.
“Hey just ‘cause you’re a right genius.”
“Yeah, I am ‘Virgil the Genius’ Ha Ha.”
The wind whistled in the Char trees. The trees always had a way of calming the boy’s agitations. The sent was the most calming in the former LABian Empire the Aerthians made a calming perfume from the Char tree’s nectar.
“Hey guys wait up,” Charlotte shouted. Her white and blue dress over trousers flapped around her waist; bag banging against her back as she ran.
“You said you would wait for me,” she wheezed. “You promised you’d go to the Iron Ring today with me, remember.”
“Damn, I forgot I’m sorry Charlotte. Really I am,” Lloyd said. “We’ll go as soon as I’ve dropped my books at home.”
Lloyd’s house was the largest in the village, which was strange as it was outside the village defences and on the verge with the forest but Lloyd’s dad, Douglas, had heavily fortified the house. Few siege weapons could even make a dent on Douglas’s vast steel and oak creation. This thing emanated the idea that you should stay away. Only Douglas and Lloyd’s friends could dare approach with out being driven off by the mere presence of this “castle”. The Iron Ring was only one mile to the north of Douglas’s “house”. Douglas hadn’t really approved of them visiting the stones but Colette’s of powers of persuasion were such that she eventually got Dirk to let them go after mentioning it was for school.
The stone ring had been on Aerth for thousands of years but no one had used it for at least 300 years. No one even knew what it was for. But Charlotte had made it her school project to find out.
“Hey Charlotte there is nothing here but some old standing steel,” remarked Lloyd. He was right of cause. There was nothing here but 30 odd columns of iron in a 300-metre circle. The only two anomalies were that the tallest of these columns was covered in red writing of an unknown language or alphabet and one of the columns had been roughly cut in half. It was said by the people of the village that Douglas had stolen the other half of the column to build his fortress.
“I think we should set up a dig site here,” suggested Virgil. He indicated the area near the largest column. “This column seems the most important. We’re most likely to find something here.”
“OK, I’ll get the trowels,” replied Lloyd. “Er Charlotte what are we going to do if we do find something?”
“We’ll catalogue it and take it to The Professor, obviously.”
As they started to dig into the cloying reddish mud they found… nothing. Absolutely nothing. After digging a hole 50cm deep they hit rock bottom.
“Well we can’t dig any further,” remarked Lloyd. “We should give up and go home.”
“Oh come on Lloyd stop being such a spoil sport,” Charlotte complained.
“But there is nothing here just a load of thousand year old iron.”
“You know I’ve been thinking about this,” interrupted Virgil. “If you leave iron outside for a few days what happens?”
“It rusts of cause,” Lloyd said.
“Exactly, this iron has been here for thousands of years and yet there as black and shiny as it would have been on the day it was made. Something is stopping this iron from rusting.”
“So.”
“So we’ve got to find out why.”
“Why?”
“Oh Lloyd, just widen the hole and wipe the mud from the bottom.”
When they removed the mud from the bottom of the hole they saw they had not hit bedrock at all but a huge surface of iron. As they widened the hole they realised the iron must be the base of the ring buried over the centuries.
“Lloyd you’re the fastest runner, go get my sister she’ll know what to do,” instructed Virgil, as they slowly uncovered a blueish circle about ten feet wide covered in inscriptions. Elves lived for hundreds of years, about ten times slower than Aerthians. This meant they were often very wise and The Professor, being 250 had lived long enough to receive a LABian education and as such could read 50 ancient and modern languages in 40 alphabets including LABian. Virgil on the other hand was only 120 and had been educated by The Professor along with the other children in the village.
“What do you think it is Virgil?” asked Charlotte.
“I have no idea to be honest. But it can’t be a LABian ruin because LAB only colonised Aerth 3000 years ago and these ruins are at least 15000 years old. LAB scientists dated them so we know it’s right; they never got things wrong.”
“You know I think we should get Douglas to help us as well he is great with metal. He is a dwarf after all.”
“Oh all right he can help but if he tries to take it apart I’ll send him packing.”
“Virgil you’re Lloyds closest friend. You must know why Lloyd has a dwarf for a dad.”
“Well I'm not sure I should tell you… but I’m sure Lloyd wont mind. You see Lloyd wasn’t born on Aerth like you and me he and his mother were in a LABian transport ship that crashed near Douglas’ house. Lloyd was fine but his mother was mortally injured. The rest of the passengers were killed in the crash but Lloyds mum managed to live long enough to make sure Lloyd was safe with Douglas and…”
“Hey guys I brought The Professor,” Lloyd shouted as he and The Professor ran over the hill. The Professor had donned her green and brown archaeological overalls, which clashed horribly with her blueish-white hair.
“Lloyd tells me you’ve found something interesting you would like me to look at,” The Professor said as she stepped into the now vast hole. She walked round the hole looking at the writing on the blue disk; she traced the writing with her finger, thought for a bit, checked one of the books she carried in her rucksack looked at the writing again and finally turned to the teenagers.
“Well there are three sets of writing here in the same alphabet. One is ancient LABian, the old LABian of the time of Hadrian I, another is Aerthian and the last is an ancient language I’ve only ever seen once. The writing in LABian says that the following two languages say the same thing. Although the rest of the writing has been badly damaged so much so I can hardly make it out. Look here come on the circle and take a look.” The teens carefully walked onto the circle and looked at where The Professor was pointing. “This rune says ‘Alche’ which means travel and this rune I can just make out as the word meaning ‘planet’ the one I can’t make out is this one here.” She pointed to the last rune on the disk. It was a very badly scratched rune almost impossible to see. “In this language, Ahcron, the last rune in a sentence is very important. This one either means stop or much more likely it means start of in this language ‘fleage’-”
The Professor was cut short as a blue beam swept them all up into a massive dark cloud and all it left were the trowels and The Professor’s book on LAB history.
"After edit"
I've taken your advice and changed the story please read it all if you're going to comment because it slowly becomes less and less like tales of Symphonia.
“Lloyd, wake up Lloyd.”
The Professor threw a book at the sleeping boy.
“Honestly Lloyd you’re the only boy I know who can sleep standing up,” Lloyd picked himself off the floor and wiped the dust off his red coat, his brown hair respikeing above his head.
“I’m sorry Professor er…is class over?”
“No Lloyd” said the Professor her typical elfin hair flowing round her shoulders. “Now get out your textbook. We’ll be studying history with the rise of the LABian Empire.”
The Professor looked round the wooden classroom. It had once been so different. She knew from her past experience. Before the rebellion 50 years ago the classroom had running water, central heating and electric lighting. When the LABian Empire agreed to leave they took all their technology with them. You could still see ships in the sky but they never landed. Without LABian technology the planet had been plunged into a new dark age. The teenagers that filled the room would never know about LAB except through the precious few old history books. The Professor looked around the classroom, her best student was Virgil; he had a real grip of all subjects. Charlotte was almost as bright but preferred not to let on just how bright. Then there was Lloyd; he never seemed to take in what she was talking about. She only managed to get him to read by telling him that warriors needed to read and write. Virgil was not only her brightest pupil but also her brother. Both elves had a love of knowledge but in another 50 years all this knowledge will have probably disappeared.
“Virgil can you tell us about the rise of LAB?”
“Certainly Professor. A self-confessed computer wiz kid created LAB, the planet, as his own adaptable planet. He created the first solid planet out of digital code…”
“I’m sorry, digital what?” interrupted Charlotte’s silvery voice. Charlotte was a beautiful girl thought the Professor with her blonde hair falling below Charlotte’s well-defined shoulders.
“Digital code,” the Professor explained. “Is the way of getting something to your maths done for you although it can be used for other things and Hadrian the first Emperor of LAB used it to build his planet. Carry on Virgil.”
“Yes, anyway,” continued Virgil. “Hadrian found with the adaptable digital code could allow him to create anything he wanted and so he and his childhood friend General Adam decided to build an army and forge one of the first intergalactic Empires. Of cause this was over 10,000 years ago and the Emperor 60 years ago was an utter idiot and that was why we the Aerthians rebelled. It’s a good thing that Emperor Edward XVIII had some good advisers and decided not to attack us because we would have bashed the bleeders to…”
“Thank you Virgil you may stop there,” The Professor finished as Virgil bashfully sat down. The Professor was about to launch into one of her famous lectures when the hourglass turned over signalling the end of school.
“Saved by the glass,” said Lloyd to Virgil on the way out of the creaking room.
“Lloyd school is a valuable use of time,” retorted Virgil.
“Not for me. I’m going to join the Aerthian army,” said Lloyd tapping his crude homemade steal swords. “My one true skill, being able to use a sword.”
“Your not wrong there,” Virgil teased as they passed the school gate.
“Hey just ‘cause you’re a right genius.”
“Yeah, I am ‘Virgil the Genius’ Ha Ha.”
The wind whistled in the Char trees. The trees always had a way of calming the boy’s agitations. The sent was the most calming in the former LABian Empire the Aerthians made a calming perfume from the Char tree’s nectar.
“Hey guys wait up,” Charlotte shouted. Her white and blue dress over trousers flapped around her waist; bag banging against her back as she ran.
“You said you would wait for me,” she wheezed. “You promised you’d go to the Iron Ring today with me, remember.”
“Damn, I forgot I’m sorry Charlotte. Really I am,” Lloyd said. “We’ll go as soon as I’ve dropped my books at home.”
Lloyd’s house was the largest in the village, which was strange as it was outside the village defences and on the verge with the forest but Lloyd’s dad, Douglas, had heavily fortified the house. Few siege weapons could even make a dent on Douglas’s vast steel and oak creation. This thing emanated the idea that you should stay away. Only Douglas and Lloyd’s friends could dare approach with out being driven off by the mere presence of this “castle”. The Iron Ring was only one mile to the north of Douglas’s “house”. Douglas hadn’t really approved of them visiting the stones but Colette’s of powers of persuasion were such that she eventually got Dirk to let them go after mentioning it was for school.
The stone ring had been on Aerth for thousands of years but no one had used it for at least 300 years. No one even knew what it was for. But Charlotte had made it her school project to find out.
“Hey Charlotte there is nothing here but some old standing steel,” remarked Lloyd. He was right of cause. There was nothing here but 30 odd columns of iron in a 300-metre circle. The only two anomalies were that the tallest of these columns was covered in red writing of an unknown language or alphabet and one of the columns had been roughly cut in half. It was said by the people of the village that Douglas had stolen the other half of the column to build his fortress.
“I think we should set up a dig site here,” suggested Virgil. He indicated the area near the largest column. “This column seems the most important. We’re most likely to find something here.”
“OK, I’ll get the trowels,” replied Lloyd. “Er Charlotte what are we going to do if we do find something?”
“We’ll catalogue it and take it to The Professor, obviously.”
As they started to dig into the cloying reddish mud they found… nothing. Absolutely nothing. After digging a hole 50cm deep they hit rock bottom.
“Well we can’t dig any further,” remarked Lloyd. “We should give up and go home.”
“Oh come on Lloyd stop being such a spoil sport,” Charlotte complained.
“But there is nothing here just a load of thousand year old iron.”
“You know I’ve been thinking about this,” interrupted Virgil. “If you leave iron outside for a few days what happens?”
“It rusts of cause,” Lloyd said.
“Exactly, this iron has been here for thousands of years and yet there as black and shiny as it would have been on the day it was made. Something is stopping this iron from rusting.”
“So.”
“So we’ve got to find out why.”
“Why?”
“Oh Lloyd, just widen the hole and wipe the mud from the bottom.”
When they removed the mud from the bottom of the hole they saw they had not hit bedrock at all but a huge surface of iron. As they widened the hole they realised the iron must be the base of the ring buried over the centuries.
“Lloyd you’re the fastest runner, go get my sister she’ll know what to do,” instructed Virgil, as they slowly uncovered a blueish circle about ten feet wide covered in inscriptions. Elves lived for hundreds of years, about ten times slower than Aerthians. This meant they were often very wise and The Professor, being 250 had lived long enough to receive a LABian education and as such could read 50 ancient and modern languages in 40 alphabets including LABian. Virgil on the other hand was only 120 and had been educated by The Professor along with the other children in the village.
“What do you think it is Virgil?” asked Charlotte.
“I have no idea to be honest. But it can’t be a LABian ruin because LAB only colonised Aerth 3000 years ago and these ruins are at least 15000 years old. LAB scientists dated them so we know it’s right; they never got things wrong.”
“You know I think we should get Douglas to help us as well he is great with metal. He is a dwarf after all.”
“Oh all right he can help but if he tries to take it apart I’ll send him packing.”
“Virgil you’re Lloyds closest friend. You must know why Lloyd has a dwarf for a dad.”
“Well I'm not sure I should tell you… but I’m sure Lloyd wont mind. You see Lloyd wasn’t born on Aerth like you and me he and his mother were in a LABian transport ship that crashed near Douglas’ house. Lloyd was fine but his mother was mortally injured. The rest of the passengers were killed in the crash but Lloyds mum managed to live long enough to make sure Lloyd was safe with Douglas and…”
“Hey guys I brought The Professor,” Lloyd shouted as he and The Professor ran over the hill. The Professor had donned her green and brown archaeological overalls, which clashed horribly with her blueish-white hair.
“Lloyd tells me you’ve found something interesting you would like me to look at,” The Professor said as she stepped into the now vast hole. She walked round the hole looking at the writing on the blue disk; she traced the writing with her finger, thought for a bit, checked one of the books she carried in her rucksack looked at the writing again and finally turned to the teenagers.
“Well there are three sets of writing here in the same alphabet. One is ancient LABian, the old LABian of the time of Hadrian I, another is Aerthian and the last is an ancient language I’ve only ever seen once. The writing in LABian says that the following two languages say the same thing. Although the rest of the writing has been badly damaged so much so I can hardly make it out. Look here come on the circle and take a look.” The teens carefully walked onto the circle and looked at where The Professor was pointing. “This rune says ‘Alche’ which means travel and this rune I can just make out as the word meaning ‘planet’ the one I can’t make out is this one here.” She pointed to the last rune on the disk. It was a very badly scratched rune almost impossible to see. “In this language, Ahcron, the last rune in a sentence is very important. This one either means stop or much more likely it means start of in this language ‘fleage’-”
The Professor was cut short as a blue beam swept them all up into a massive dark cloud and all it left were the trowels and The Professor’s book on LAB history.
