Topic: A Fun Forum Game.

[Deguello]

(I was debating whether to stick this in the Funhouse or not, because while this is a light-hearted satire of one of our more controversial posters, at the same time it is a serious criticism of his uber-cynical, bad-news-at-any-cost attitude, even when there is no bad news at all.  See the Late 2005 DS Conference Talkback thread (the one where Nintendo announces this HUGE roster of popular, new, and upcoming DS games with an avalanche of Third party support, and Ian singles out Mario Hoops and its use of the touch screen before he goes into a tirade about Nintendo failing again.))

If you ran the Nintendo company like PGC Poster Ian Sane would run it, when would Nintendo lose all of their money and be forced into bankruptcy?  You can be as specific or as vague as you want, such as one year or 4 months, 2 days, and 24 minutes.

Collected over the years of PGC posting, here compiled are the basic tenets of Ian's Nintendo-running philosophy:

1) No sequels.  Ever.
2) No games that specifically target Nintendo and/or specific series fans.
3) No games that target "non-gamers."
4) No games that would sepcifically target casual gamers.  Thats what EA does, you know.
5) No games that would alienate any gamers.
6) No spinoffs.  Furthermore, no recogniziable characters, see rule #2.
7) No hardware innovation that could be possibly considered superficial and pointless by anybody at random.
No risks ever.

However, you also have the option of running the company with a specific Ian in time.  Please note that 2003 Ian differs greatly from 2005 Ian and 2006 Ian.  What's more, is for fun you can run vintage pre-1996 Nintendo with these Ian tenets, and see how Nintendo would have fared then.  (I would include 1997-2005 Nintendo, but Ian has provided enough insight there.)

So I'll start:

1985-Total Ian Tenet Strategy

We are on the cusp of launching our new Home System, named the Deltatron.  It was going to be called the Nintendo Entertainment System, but I felt that that would only bring in the Donkey Kong fans and nobody else, so that had to go for a more powerful name.  As for launch titles, I was going to OK Mr. Miyamoto's Super Mario Brothers until I heard it was basically a spinoff of Donkey Kong.  So I canned it and told him to work on a different game that is not a new risky endeavor and something that is more familiar to Donkey Kong fans without actually being a sequel, and more suited to Western tastes.  He gave me a slight frown and mumbled something, which I can only interpret as total approval.  

This man Mr. Yokoi came up to me with his and his team's design for the controller for the Deltatron.  I was not pleased, not pleased at all.  This "cross" shaped thing he called a D-PAW or whatever was clearly going to alienate the joystick-and-signle-button paradigm that has already been established.  I told him to get rid of it and the second button that he added to the controller.  That was clearly an afterthought.  Furthermore, his new project... "Metroid"  I don't know.  I mean it has an "M" in it which will bring in the Subconscious Mario Fans, but it is basically a totally new, unfamiliar game that the market will not enjoy.  I told him to axe it and make a football game.  He blinked for a while before going stright into his office.  He left later with several boxes.  Must be working at home.  What a trooper.

Finally, our R&D department came to me with this whopper of a terrible idea.  A portable game system?  I dismissed it out of hand.  Portable games are a waste of time and energy, because our Game and Watch series has not totally been accepted anywhere.  Portable games will never be acceptable.

Thank you for joined my Business Strategy roundtable.


Deg's Projected Nintendo Bankruptcy and Liquidation:  1988 after years of low sales and mass departures of talent.  

[18 Days]

There needs to be some kind of post that hands out an e-kiss because it's probably what you deserve for this excellent post.  

[BlackNMild2k1]

Quote
Originally posted by: Deguello
(I was debating whether to stick this in the Funhouse or not, because while this is a light-hearted satire of one of our more controversial posters, at the same time it is a serious criticism of his uber-cynical, bad-news-at-any-cost attitude, even when there is no bad news at all.  See the Late 2005 DS Conference Talkback thread (the one where Nintendo announces this HUGE roster of popular, new, and upcoming DS games with an avalanche of Third party support, and Ian singles out Mario Hoops and its use of the touch screen before he goes into a tirade about Nintendo failing again.))

If you ran the Nintendo company like PGC Poster Ian Sane would run it, when would Nintendo lose all of their money and be forced into bankruptcy?  You can be as specific or as vague as you want, such as one year or 4 months, 2 days, and 24 minutes.

Collected over the years of PGC posting, here compiled are the basic tenets of Ian's Nintendo-running philosophy:

1) No sequels.  Ever.
2) No games that specifically target Nintendo and/or specific series fans.
3) No games that target "non-gamers."
4) No games that would sepcifically target casual gamers.  Thats what EA does, you know.
5) No games that would alienate any gamers.
6) No spinoffs.  Furthermore, no recogniziable characters, see rule #2.
7) No hardware innovation that could be possibly considered superficial and pointless by anybody at random.
No risks ever.

However, you also have the option of running the company with a specific Ian in time.  Please note that 2003 Ian differs greatly from 2005 Ian and 2006 Ian.  What's more, is for fun you can run vintage pre-1996 Nintendo with these Ian tenets, and see how Nintendo would have fared then.  (I would include 1997-2005 Nintendo, but Ian has provided enough insight there.)

So I'll start:

1985-Total Ian Tenet Strategy

We are on the cusp of launching our new Home System, named the Deltatron.  It was going to be called the Nintendo Entertainment System, but I felt that that would only bring in the Donkey Kong fans and nobody else, so that had to go for a more powerful name.  As for launch titles, I was going to OK Mr. Miyamoto's Super Mario Brothers until I heard it was basically a spinoff of Donkey Kong.  So I canned it and told him to work on a different game that is not a new risky endeavor and something that is more familiar to Donkey Kong fans without actually being a sequel, and more suited to Western tastes.  He gave me a slight frown and mumbled something, which I can only interpret as total approval.  

This man Mr. Yokoi came up to me with his and his team's design for the controller for the Deltatron.  I was not pleased, not pleased at all.  This "cross" shaped thing he called a D-PAW or whatever was clearly going to alienate the joystick-and-signle-button paradigm that has already been established.  I told him to get rid of it and the second button that he added to the controller.  That was clearly an afterthought.  Furthermore, his new project... "Metroid"  I don't know.  I mean it has an "M" in it which will bring in the Subconscious Mario Fans, but it is basically a totally new, unfamiliar game that the market will not enjoy.  I told him to axe it and make a football game.  He blinked for a while before going stright into his office.  He left later with several boxes.  Must be working at home.  What a trooper.

Finally, our R&D department came to me with this whopper of a terrible idea.  A portable game system?  I dismissed it out of hand.  Portable games are a waste of time and energy, because our Game and Watch series has not totally been accepted anywhere.  Portable games will never be acceptable.

Thank you for joined my Business Strategy roundtable.


Deg's Projected Nintendo Bankruptcy and Liquidation:  1988 after years of low sales and mass departures of talent.

I'm sorry, but you have already won... It couldn't have been done any better, so I won't even bother.

[Infernal Monkey]

1989-ish, time for more Ian power.

I see Sega has released a much more powerful system than our Deltatron, the Mega Drive. This machine pleases me, as it has much better graphics than our system. I have blamed others that work here about this issue. Clearly the Blast Processing ability of this Mega Drive is going to dominate the market. Others at Nintendo have come to me with ideas of a newer, better machine to combat the Mega Drive. They talk of a special Mode 7 ability, some rubbish about being able to scale and rotate sprites easier and better than the Mega Drive. Sounds like a childish sparkling innovation to me, which simply wouldn't be able to compete with innovation like Sega's Blast Processing. They want to launch two new franchises with it that will show off what the machine can do, F-Zero and Pilotwings. Both sound terrible. I didn't even want to hear what they had to say about Pilotwings, it's quite obvious a name like that means it'll be a flight game. Why bother, Sega has After Burner on the market. Consumers don't want more than one flying game.

F-Zero, another racing game? There were already several on Deltatron, we don't need any more. I canned both ideas and fired the people responsible. Asking me what games I thought should launch with the system, I suggested a Paint Drying game. Super Paint Drying would appeal to hardcore gamers, and would feature Charlie, a bald space marine in a suit. He'd stare at the wall. No buttons would be needed, because Deltatron proved that buttons are unwanted, immature devices that only appeal to non-gamers. In fact, the new machine will not have any control method at all. The sequel to Deltatron needs a mature name. Somebody suggested Super Deltatron, as the new machine is obviously much more powerful. I fired them. We don't need to be reminded that I've given in to accepting a sequel. It will be known as Mighty Zam.

I have told all third parties to stop making Mega Drive games and come on over to the Mighty Zam. Some have brought me ideas of sequels to popular Deltatron games. I told them to get out. I only want original games. But not too original, as that would scare away the hardcore gamers. Like me. Ian.

[EasyCure]

Quote
Originally posted by: 18 Days
There needs to be some kind of post that hands out an e-handjob because it's probably what you deserve for this excellent post.

heres the plan:

you work on that while i start an even better post to be the first PGC'er to get this "e-hand job"

but seriously, Deguello gets mad props on his post lol

[ruby_onix]

Quote
Originally posted by: Deguello
If you ran the Nintendo company like PGC Poster Ian Sane would run it, when would Nintendo lose all of their money and be forced into bankruptcy?  You can be as specific or as vague as you want, such as one year or 4 months, 2 days, and 24 minutes.

Collected over the years of PGC posting, here compiled are the basic tenets of Ian's Nintendo-running philosophy:

1) No sequels.  Ever.
2) No games that specifically target Nintendo and/or specific series fans.
3) No games that target "non-gamers."
4) No games that would sepcifically target casual gamers.  Thats what EA does, you know.
5) No games that would alienate any gamers.
6) No spinoffs.  Furthermore, no recogniziable characters, see rule #2.
7) No hardware innovation that could be possibly considered superficial and pointless by anybody at random.
No risks ever.

SCEE confirms that Sony could operate under those restrictions, and not only would they not go bankrupt, but they'd probably win dominance of another generation.

Nintendo used to be in that position. Clear proof that Nintendo is lacking something.

[Ian Sane]

Hey I liked Nintendo's E3 showing!  Doesn't that count for something?

[Karl Castaneda #2]

Ian is so unloved.

[Arbok]

Quote
Originally posted by: ViewtifulGamer
Ian is so unloved.

He has whole threads dedicated to him from time-to-time, doesn't that count for something? He's almost the forum mascot at this point considering how often his name is evoked, even when he isn't directly involved in a conversation.

[18 Days]

Doesn't matter boys, Ruby Onix is the new Ian these days.

[Deguello]

Quote
SCEE confirms that Sony could operate under those restrictions, and not only would they not go bankrupt, but they'd probably win dominance of another generation.

You must have missed the part where the entire Sony corporation plans to lose almost $1 billion dollars this year.  $1 billion.  And they aren't expecting this loss or afraid of this potential loss.  They are planning on losing this money to launch and support their platforms.  Considering Sony already sports a huge amount of debt and is losing in markets OTHER than videogames, this is awful business sense.  If the PS3 totally fails, while it may not immediately bankrupt the whole company, it certainly would put it in a precarious position among their debtors and investors.

FURTHERMORE, SCEE is running the PSP in exactly the same fashion and I don't see the "dominance" happening.

Oh wait, how did Sony become a part of this thread?  I could have sworn that this thread would be about how Ian basically hates all new videogames except for the sequels that he would allow to exist, his annoying and temperamental reasons as to why he bugs the rest of the forums on the games he hates, his ever changing advice for Nintendo, and about Nintendo as a company by themselves.

But hey, you know, whatever works.

[King of Twitch]

I hope I wouldn't have the same opinions as I did 3 years ago, as a senior in high school. Owning a cube has been like being a Cub's fan; cuttem some slack, jack!

[ruby_onix]

Quote
Originally posted by: Deguello
Oh wait, how did Sony become a part of this thread?

I was kidding. Light-hearted satire, while at the same time, serious criticism.

You predicted one result (failure) for Nintendo if they were to try and follow Ian. But Sony seems to arrogantly think they could do that and much worse and still win. I got to mock both Sony and Nintendo simultaneously without hardly lifting a finger.

And when I said "Nintendo used to be in that position", I meant that you could equate Nintendo's past to Sony's future. They're headed for an N64-style fall.

[Deguello]

Oh hahahaha.  I see where I missed the joke.

You said "SCEE confirmed," and meant that in the way of some executive saying something in an interview.

I interpreted "SCEE confirmed" as some sort of evidence, you know, like "His testimony confirmed," or "This document confirms."

Lost in translation, and we both speak English.  Crazy.

But yeah, Ian's advice.  Cancel Yoshi's Island, too different for the mainstream, yada yada.

[Mario]

That sparkling innovationy Super Smash Bros game should stay in Japan.

[wandering]

1996:

Our teams are saying they need cartridges to eliminate load times. Poppycock! I'm telling them we're switching to CDs, because CDs are the future. Several third party devs, including Square, are getting close to this Sony upstart. Balderdash! I'm reducing licencing fees and doing whatever else it takes to make sure they're on our side. Our marketing people are saying people still care about bits. Banana nut ice cream! I'm firing our marketing people.

Quote
So I'll start:

1985-Total Ian Tenet Strategy

You forgot the intentionally VCR-like design of the console. Almost as bad as making a controller with an intentionally remote-control-like design!

[mantidor]

Quote
Originally posted by: ViewtifulGamer
Ian is so unloved.

I love Ian!

[Frozen Atlantic]

I like Ian too. He's like... the voice of pragmatism when fanboy enthusiasm runs rampant.

[BiLdItUp1]

Ay, the yin to the yang, he is.

[ThePerm]

so wait, are you sure he's not yang, and others are yin?