I was having coffee and arse with Reggie the other day and he seemed a bit more distracted than usual. He had a file with him and he seemed a bit agitated with it. I assumed that the contents were just a list of names he had taken or had to take or something. Anyway in the distance we heard some guy crapping on about Metal Gear Solid 4 and Reggie got mad. "Hey sorry I just gotta kick this guy's arse, been great catching up with ya RAB, smell ya later" and he picked up his file and flew off. He rushed off so quickly though that some paper slipped out as he went. At first I was gunna leave it alone because I know I shouldn't interfere with Reggie's list, that'd be like interfering with Santa's list of who's been bad or good. But I couldnt help myself and I needed to check if RawMeatCowboy's name had been taken yet so I grasped the paper and slipped off to read it, in case Reggie came storming back. What I found though was that it wasn't a list of names as I had suspect but infact the script for this years E3 presentation! Now I wouldn't normally divulge this information of course but me and Perrin Kaplan had a big breakup over the phone earlier tonight. Stupid bitch doesn't know how many syllables are in a haiku, so anyway I'm getting my revenge by telling you guys this ok?
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Nintendo will open the doors early this year, 8am, raising people's hopes that the show might actually start on time this year. Also in a nice nod to hardcore fans the pre show music playing will all be from Overclocked Remix with a few of the arrangements from Smash Bros. interspersed in the mix. Such music will only be used to lull the journalists into a false sense of security as this year the show will be all about laying waste to their pathetic doomsday predictions for Nintendo and it's products. 1up's crew had their seats allocated so that accessing them would have them trip over a rail line that has been built through the Kodak Theatre. As all the guests finish arriving at 9am, the giant projection screen will light up on time only to have a voice announce that "The Nintendo E3 Media and Business Summit conference will begin in twenty minutes". Snipers placed in the balconies of the theatre will shoot any member of the crowd who produces a PSP to pass this time. Meanwhile on the screen a large analoge clock will slowly tick away till the promised start time of 9:20
However, suddenly at 9:10 the screen flashes 'IWATA TIME' a siren playing Iwata's trademark LOLOLOLOLOLOL is heard and then an explosion to the side of stage near the back of the auditorium sees a wall collapse. From out of it, running on the train line comes Iwata riding atop the 'Success' train. It's an old school steam train except there's something different about the furnace. Instead of coal being burnt, the train runs off cash. Cash is being fursiously shoveled into the furnace by two men dressed as Mario and Luigi. Iwata, speaking though a megaphone announces "ARRWL ABROAD!!" as the train weaves through the theatre, blowing smoke in the faces of IGN journalists and knocking the chips out of GoHobo's greasy hands. With confusion still reigning the train exists stage right and the clock reappears on the screen.
With the clock at 9:15 the voice announces that the conference will start shortly but will add in an apologetic voice that the delay is because Reggie has been so busy taking names that he's late and the show might have to go on without him.
When the clock reaches 9:20 the screen fades out to black, fading in is K. K. Slider. "Oh hey hope you've been enjoying some of my tunes, I normally play on Saturday but Reggie said I had to play today of he'd kick my arse."
"Anyway it's good too see you again Iwata, have fun today in Los Angeles"
It soon becomes apparent that Animal Crossing Wii is being played live for the audience. Iwata marches proudly around the outside of his house, checking the notice board. "LOLOL they still believe in that Metroid Dread **** hey? - Retro" is the only new message. Iwata's character, an Animal Crossing style deformed Mii appears to giggle as he moves off. Meanwhile in the audience NWR staff are crying.
Iwata walks along and finds a turtle standing around sadly by a house that looks both, in complete and partially collapsed. The turtle named Kaz laments, "Oh this is my HOME you see it's uh, it's not finished, my HOME that is. Do you think people will like my HOME? They didn't like Heavenly Sword will they like my HOME?" Iwata buries a pitfall and continues walking.
He comes to Tom Nook's store. Tom immediately hassles him about the mortgage on Iwata's house Iwata laughes and pays the full amount on the spot, with thousands of credits left over. "Oh hey! Well maybe you'd like to see some of my new products!" Tom introduces a piece of furniture that will "Not make your house's layout suck so much." It also adds a basement for additional storage. Iwata quickly purchases it.
Finally Iwata takes the stage in real life, first asking why none of the journos jumped about the success train, suggesting they might prefer their 'Ruse' seats. A handful of curious journos will check to confirm that yes, their seat has been labeled "Loser" the whole time. Iwata will talk about the firmware update. The firmware is designed to free up space by allowing the Wii to access the SD card slot for all save data, they'l hold off launching channels from SD cards because of piracy concerns. Firmware will be released not through download, rather included on selected new releases and available at retail, bundled with an SD card. New Wiis will be shipping with 4gig of flash memory on board and the latest firmware. Other changes will see the Wii message board and calender revamped to not suck so much cock.
Iwata leaves the stage for the video to carry on. His avatar moving about the village of Los Angeles, talking to other animals who all demo a new game. The biggest and most extensive demo will be for Wii Sports: Team Play, an online enabled Wii Sports sequel focusing on team sports allowing players to play as their Mii on a team comprised of other people online. Sports include; Netball, Volleyball, Hockey, Lacross and Polo. The demo reel displays a Lacross team of Reggies completely overwhelm a lame clan with [MT] preceding their names.
Other games showcased by animals include New Super Mario World, Megaman 9, Disaster: Day of Delay, PIkmin DS and 1080°
At one point Iwata visits the Able sisters who mention that Aonuma dropped off a new design. The design is naturally that of a triforce. Iwata also passes by Kaz again to find that he has fallen into the pitfall. Still though, no sign of Reggie.
Miyamoto comes out to introduce Wii Music after K. K. Slider runs a demo reel to Iwata in Animal Crossing. Miyamoto invites members of the audience on stage to join him in a live performance. Unlike weaker music gmaes out there, Wii Music turns out to be much more about music creation and jam sessions than memorisation of button combos and RSI. Of course the audience members have pretty much no talent whatsoever as Miyamoto selected Gamespot staff from the audience. Suddenly a Quitar Hero guitar comes flying in from offstage, clocking a Gamespotter on the head, knocking him to the ground. Reggie comes out and he's looking MAD. "ALOT OF PEOPLE ARE WONDERING WHY GUITAR HERO WORLD TOUR IS GUNNA SUCK ON WII AND THAT'S BECAUSE GUITAR HERO ALWAYS SUCKED. I DONT WANT THOSE WEAK GUITAR HERO MAGGOTS ON WII, WII IS FOR EVERYONE BUT LOSERS!" Reggie goes on to smash the rest of the guitar like some rockstar.
The LOLOLOLOLOL siren starts again and the Success train returns. Miyamoto and Reggie both jump on board, Reggie throwing any journalist who tries over his head. This time though the train is powered not by coal or cash, but photocopies of litigation and legal documents Nintendo is preparing to level against Microsoft for stealing the wii mote and Sony for sullying the video game industry so much. As the train leaves from the explosion created at the start of the morning. the Animal Crossing game saves up on screen and returns to the giant clock. Slowly but surely the shocked and frightened journalists realise the show is over and return to their miserable lives.
Topic: RABicle's annual E3 script. 2008 (Read 17456 times)
