Topic: B!tch, Don't Correct Me! - The Joke Thread

[BlackNMild2k1]

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex.

"What's that?" he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground, and spread her legs. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for squirrels."

[BlackNMild2k1]

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the fire
station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red
wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose
tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being
pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over
to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck" he said with admiration.
"Thanks" the little girl said.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has
tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to
tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that
rope to the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but
then I wouldn't have a siren"
 

[BlackNMild2k1]

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse.
Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. You know you don't stand a chance, old man..
So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running
after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters
running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn.....third ghey rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story? ...

Don't mess with us OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!

[TMW]

Did you hear the one about the baby seal who walked into a club?  

*ba dum crash*

[BlackNMild2k1]

I did one for the women(are there any on this board?) a while ago, so here is one for the men

Sign in the Lobby

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Take a quick peek at yourself in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

[BlackNMild2k1]

A 75-year-old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day, the old geezer returned to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this.....

First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeez'n it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor!"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, with our arthritis, we still couldn't get the damn jar open."

[BlackNMild2k1]

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, since you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

[BlackNMild2k1]

Brokeback Rancher

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was ghey and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the ghey guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o’clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

[BlackNMild2k1]

Blondes can be handy too......right?

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as
a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said.
"How much will you charge me?"

She quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she
realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blond jokes.

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

[BlackNMild2k1]

Jesus vs. Satan

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer.  They had been at it for days, and, frankly, God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "That's it! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They faxed. They e-mailed. They emailed with attachments. They downloaded. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They created labels and cards. They created charts and graphs. They did some genealogy reports. They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, 10 minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.

Finally, the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

[wandering]

Alright, I've got one...

So, a Nintendo fanboy dies and, as you might expect, goes to hell.
He's thrown in the torture chamber and the demons turn up the temp to 300 hundred degrees. But when they let him out, they are surprised to see him smiling. "Just like Lethal Lava Land in Super Mario!" he exclaimed.
So, they threw him back in and set the temp to 500 degrees. But, when they let him out, he was practically laughing. "Just like Magmoor caverns in metroid!"
So, they threw him back in. One demon said to the other "If the heat isn't getting to him, maybe the cold will!" So, they changed the temp to negative 200 degrees. But when they let the Nintendo fanboy out, he seemed happier than ever.
"What? What could possibly be making you happy this time?" the demon screamed.
"Hell froze over!" The man replied. "Nintendo Revolution must be number one in sales!"

[mantidor]

boooooooo I laughed

from bash.org

<JonJonB> Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
<JonJonB> Let's see the results...

<JonJonB> "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
<JonJonB> "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

<JonJonB> A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

<JonJonB> "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
<JonJonB> "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

<JonJonB> Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

<JonJonB> "Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

<JonJonB> The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

<JonJonB> He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

<JonJonB> He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

<JonJonB> Ok
<JonJonB> I have found, definitive proof
<JonJonB> that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all
<JonJonB> "Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
<melusine > O_______O
<JonJonB> Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

<JonJonJonB> Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

<JonJonJonB> 'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

[Hostile Creation]

Hahaha, some of these are great, nice choice for the Harry Potter things.  The gray glue and silver stuff in particular made me laugh.

[BlackNMild2k1]

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," said the sales lady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.  Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The sales lady replied: "There are Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.  Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Sales lady responded, "It's all really quite simple...The Catholic type supports the masses.  The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen.  The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

[BlackNMild2k1]

A Witch?

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.

These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference." the manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says, "you know, I think my girl was dead "Dead?" says his friend, "why would you say that?" "well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."

His friend says, "I think mine was a witch." a witch, why the hell would you say that?"

"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window."

[BlackNMild2k1]

The Knob

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful - the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

[BlackNMild2k1]

Mental Mary & Mental Jim

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the  bottom and pulled
Jim out.

The medical director learned of Mary's heroic act.  He immediately wrote
orders for her discharge from the hospital. He considered her mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news. He said, "Mary, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're going to be discharged. You jumped into
the pool and saved the life of another patient. I believe you've regained your
full mental capacity and you are able to function normally in society.
Here are your discharge papers.

The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom
with the belt to his bathrobe. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry."
 

[wandering]

Good ones.

Quote
Harry Potter

Yeah, but the worst is in the PoA film, which opens with Harry playing with wang under the covers.

[mantidor]

hahaha, actually I saw an interview with the director and he clarifies that that scene was indeed an allusion to Harry's sexual "awakening".

harry Potter, such a naughty material for all ages!

[MysticGohan]

hehe, PORN FOR TEH I LOVE HALO 2S!!! heh atleast Nintendo has a better sense of innuendo

[animecyberrat]

Ok so there is this kid who always plays in the park and he doesnt like to go home when he has to go to the bathroom so he just craps in his pants.


One day after his parents scolded him and told him that if he went again he would be ina  lot of trouble he was playing at the park and had to go really bad so he decided to just crap right there under a tree.


Then a preist was walking by so he hurried up and covered the crap with his hat, and the preist stopped and say him holding  his hat over some thing and he asked "what do yo have there son" and the boy replied I got God. The priest looked at him suspicous and asked "really, can i see him?" the boy got nervous and asnwered, "no cuz He is too shy and if I lift the hat He is gonna run." The priest thought about it for a moment and said ok I got an idea, you lift the hat reall fast adn Ill grab God before he can get away"


The boy thought about it for a secodn and said "ok why not" so the priest hunched over and just when the boy lifeted the hat the priest grabbed the pile of crap and the boy laughed, "See God already SH#T and ran.  

[BlackNMild2k1]

The Black Robbers

For anyone who didn't see David Letterman's take on this: (And it's a true story)

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at
a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband
in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room.

"I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard.
Both were black. One of them was tall....very tall...an intimidating figure.
The woman froze.

Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was:
Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes
are powerful, and fear immobilized her.  She stood and stared at the two men.

She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed.  She hoped they didn't read her mind but gosh,
they had to know what she was thinking!!!

Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now.

Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of
will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other
foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly
and faced the elevator doors as they closed.

A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased!
The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped
and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her to do what they told her.

The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on
the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her.  Take my money and spare me,
he prayed.

More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely,"Ma'am, if you'll just
tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button."

The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily
to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men.
They reached down to help her up.  Confused, she struggled to her feet.

"When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one,
"I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor I didn't mean for you to
hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having
a hard time not laughing.

The woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was
humiliated to speak.. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her.
How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as
though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say.

The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket.

When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room.
She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make
it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her
room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator.

The woman brushed herself off.

She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses.

Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said:

"Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."

It was signed;
Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan

[BlackNMild2k1]

Was she celebrating 420 was she just a Puzzled Blonde?

A blonde called her old boyfriend and said, "Please come over
here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it
out or even how to get it started."

Her old boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's
finished?"

The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a
tiger."

Her old boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle.

She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread
all over the table.

He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then
turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're
not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything
resembling a tiger."

He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's
have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............", he sighed,

Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."


Happy 420!!

[BlackNMild2k1]

Makin' Sweet Sweet Sandwiches, with Xtra Mayo

A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high
school. Unfortunately, he still has to share a room
with his younger brother who is only 9 years old.

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for
a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices
that his little brother is already asleep on the lower
bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top
bunk.

As you might expect things start to heat up.

The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

She screams.

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Whoa!!!

PULL IT OUT!!!

PULL IT OUT NOW!!!

I can't get pregnant!

Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there!
You're getting mayonnaise all over the place!!!!!

[BlackNMild2k1]

Bobbitt Family Update

In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with...


A Misdawiener!

buh dum ching!!

hey what happened to the joke that was here?