Okay, I'm about to get really serious here, and I know it's the Funhouse, but honestly, I'm just scared and disappointed, but mostly, I'm just so angry that I needed to come out and say this somewhere. There's going to be some pretty raucous language here, so even though I find all of this hard to bear, I hope you'll stick through until the end.
There's relatively few things in this world that mean a great deal to me. Sure, my family will always be important, and getting a good education and entering into a career are long-term goals. I might even want to start a family of my own, someday. But sometimes, I go onto this fucking message board and I see the kind of absolute horse **** that makes me fear for my future children. I mean, there's a lot to be afraid of nowadays. Technology has given rise to an ever-present feeling of awareness, and that brings anxiety with it.
"But Evan," You smugly remark, sipping your weird 9-Volt Coffee Mug because he's such an important and relevant character in whatever bizarro universe you hail from, "You should just raise your children responsibly and gradually integrate technology in their lives. Allow them to enjoy the outdoors! Let them bask in the warm glow of ignorance."
Well that would be all fucking well-and-good if I hadn't already witnessed the sort of atrocities that are being shared in and around places like this. There's this creeping feeling that, someday, my children are going to be curiously browsing the web, or whatever virtual-reality PlayStation VR first-person hallway simulator they turn the internet into in the next 20-25 years, and they're going to stumble upon the kind of horrors I have already seen. I mean, look at me, am I perfect? Hell no, Pokepal tweeted my rant about Smash Bros. being a steaming pile of **** out to some twitter handle and my reputation pretty much crumbled to fucking dust after that. But I can at least manage, you know? At least I have a crappy webcomic I can fall back on to spout my opinions through.
No, I worry that they're going to come across the fucking alternative facts or whatever the hell you want to call what people post on this site and think that it's true. God forbid, they go out of their way to follow the advice of what some of you monsters claim. To be frank: I don't want to raise little Shulk and Rosalina and Luma B in a world where people actually have the gall to enjoy Paper fucking Mario Color Splash. And honestly, I don't get why you all just sit back in your preferred furnishings and LET PEOPLE POST ABOUT THAT KIND OF ****. Are you out of your damned minds? Have you seen the kinds of tripe people are spouting? "I actually enjoyed Sticker Star," and "You get to increase your paint bucket, so battles have a purpose!" You can't just SAY those things to someone who hasn't played them, you get it? You might be the tipping point! You might get them invested in something their heart isn't ready to handle! I try to keep myself as pure as I can these days, especially after having hit the Sticker Star sauce back in my college days, but the fact that you would willingly post positive impressions of something that I don't like, and will never like because I will never play it, it's just... gosh.
WHY CAN'T YOU PEOPLE ACCEPT THE LORD AND SAVIOR THOUSAND YEAR DOOR INTO YOUR HEART? And don't even get me started on that "Mario and Luigi is superior" bullshit. BOTH series have ARGUABLY ONLY HAD TWO GOOD ENTRIES, and I SURE AS HELL AIN'T TALKING ABOUT PARTNERS IN CRIME AND SUPER PAPER MARIO!
What's worse is this- I'm subjected to this hellish torment by the bumps. Mother of christmas, the fucking bumps. Reminding me that, yes, this dumpster fire of an "action adventure" game might just be your last Wii U purchase and, Miyamoto-willing, maybe even be considered the swan song of the console. It makes me physically ill. Not digitally ill, mind you, I'm not trying to amass a hard-drive of illnesses that I can't even transfer to the next console because WHO GIVES A **** ABOUT BACKWARDS COMPATIBILITY THESE DAYS?!
I'm sick of trying to be the last bastion of positive energy on a board that seems to be hell-bent on systematically breaking down my soul. I won't let you bump that damn thread with positive impressions ever again. You are mocking me. NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOU'LL START POSTING NEGATIVE IMPRESSIONS OF MINISH CAP AND I'LL HAVE TO TAKE MATTERS INTO MY OWN HANDS.
If you ever, EVER think about liking something that I don't like because you've actually experienced it and I haven't ever again, I will wage a war of ****-posting on this site so terrible, so unspeakably vicious, it would make Lucario tremble in his kangaroo-loving apron, or whatever the hell he wears.
...Color Splash sucks.
Topic: I know why the banned user sings. (Read 9488 times)
