Author Topic: Nintendo Press Funeral Awesome Thread  (Read 3797 times)

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Offline 18 Days

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Nintendo Press Funeral Awesome Thread
« on: July 11, 2007, 04:42:08 AM »
Just got off the phone with Iwata then, I wasn't suposed to do this but I'm so excited. This is what the Nintendo Conference is going to be.


The small media contingent shuffle into the auditorium. As they enter they pass through a hallway lit only by UV light. And Attendant presents them all with their namebadge in this light. Printed in magic ink are their names and organisation. "A cool touch" remarks one to his friend. Matt IGN who overhears, yells "GIMMICK YOU MEAN! TYPICAL NINTENDO S*** LOL!" in reply. Matt then trips over, dropping his steak "F*** this light! Where the f*** is my steak?" Ignoring him, people find their way to their seats, GoHobo is agitated, fiercely gaurding the two empty seats next to him. "F**OFF, I GOT THREE TICKETS!" he prepares to yell but no one wants to endure his stench anyway, so he remains silent.

The stage is dim. The year there are no speakers blaring Nintendo remixes and or pop music, the scene is marked only by it's deafening silence and the pitch darkness broken only by a solitary UV light, illuminating the journalist's nametags alonge with white shirts, shoelaces, bleached hair and the teeth of both journalists who bothered to brush.

A sad song begins to play and in the dim light you can make out 6 men carrying what appears to be a coffin. Light gradually fades in and people's suspicians are confirmed. The giant projector behind the stage is turned on showing a close up view of the ceremony for the benefit of those watching at home and people with bad seats. The pallbearors gently lower the open casket on the stage and silently walk away, the music stops and a camera suspended from the ceiling captures the moment for the projector. It moves over the casket but is too out of focus and the room too dark to make out what is in. Slowly the view zooms in and tightens it's focus the lights are turn brighter, inside the casket is; a PSP.

Before any nervous giggles can start suddenly the projector bursts into life, with voice acted footage from the new Trauma Center game.
"Such a shame"
"Yeah, although I felt he hever really had a hope of making it alive."
*sigh* "What was the time of death"
"Uh, let me check, 11:4-"
"NO"
"wha-"
"IT WAS IWATA TIME!"

FIREWORKS ERUPT FROM THE STAGE the flares hitting the fabric the video was being displayed on, setting it alight. With the aid of the metholated spirits if was doused in before hand it quickly burns away, revealing Reggie with Iwata sitting ON HIS SHOULDERS! Iwata's fists are clenched in defiance as Reggie effortlessly strides forward to center stage with him.

Reggie puts Iwata down and glares at the casket witht he PSP in it. "THIS FUNERAL IS OVER!" He announces. And with that he picks up the casket and THROWS it into an open furnace that was sitting on the side of the stage the whole time without anyone noticing.

"IF YOU LOOK AT YOUR NAMETAGE, YOU WILL NOTICE THAT YOUR NAME IS NO LONGER THERE" Reggie pauses for dramatic effect asthe nerds look at their nametags, not noticing that the UV light had been turned off. "I TOOK THEM" Reggie explains.

It's Iwata's time now. "Now there have been some rumours on the internets, I wourd rike to address them"
"First of arru somebody has been saying that there will be a sequel to Tairues of Symphonia rereased on Wii. Weru I am prouwd to announce tale Tairues of Phantasia wirru be rereased on the Virtuaru Consorue… in Japan" At this shockingly dissapointing announcement, the RPG fan contingent will gasp and run out of the room in tears. Iwata will laugh to himself for about 3 minutes.

"Now that the faggots have reft, I feeru I can continue. Here are some of the games we are making, prease enjoy." On a SECOND projector sheet, behind the original one a trailer reel begins to play with quick clips of all the games we all know about, Phantom Hourglass, Forever Blue, Disaster: Day of Crisis, blah blah blah you know the drill. As the video seemingly begins to wind down, suddenly footage of NEW MAREIO CART (the official name) is shown, causing screams of glea from the crowd. Just as it's getting good a tearing sound is heard, the video is cut short as Reggie RIPS HIS WAY THROUGH THE SECOND PROJECTOR SHEET.

"HAY IWATA IWATA CHECK OUT THIS S*** I JUST FOUND IN THE BIN!"
"what is it"
And FROM HIS POCKET Reggie pulls out the Halo 3 Edition Xbox 360. He quickly proceedes to DROK KICK the machine into the furnace.

Iwata takes over again as Reggie wanders off. "Arso another rumour was that we wourd be bringing back a dead franchise. I got my friend Miyamoto to make this one, so maybe he can come out and tark about it" Miyamoto comes out to a rockstars welcome, sercurity is employed to keep the fanboys restrained, one crowd surfer is dragged out of teh auditorium and beaten.

"Herro, did you arr enjoy my games?"
"Yes yes I am very happy today to say that I make a new game from old franchise. For over 24 months now, Donkey Kong Jungru Beat has been dead. WERR NOT ANYMORE!"

With the flagship, blockbuster game announced, what could be left in the conference? How could it get any better many wondered. Reggie returns to teh stage, this time accompanyed by George Harrison.
"ALLRIGHT LISTEN GEORGIE, I WANT YOU TO EXPLAIN TO ALL THE NAMELESS PEOPLE HERE WHY YOU'VE CHOSEN TO LEAVE NINTENDO"
"Oh well see uh um that als-"
He doesn't finish as Reggie has KICKED HIS ARSE, sending him flying clear of the stage in into the Miyamoto's moshpit of Journos.

"THIS CONFERENCE IS OVER" Reggie announces. Everyone leaves shaking.  
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Offline ShyGuy

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RE: Nintendo Press Funeral Awesome Thread
« Reply #1 on: July 11, 2007, 04:58:04 AM »
Nintendo, hire this man.

Offline IceCold

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RE:Nintendo Press Funeral Awesome Thread
« Reply #2 on: July 11, 2007, 06:10:16 AM »
Quote

Originally posted by: ShyGuy
Nintendo, hire this man.
Seconded.

That was hilarious.
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Offline 18 Days

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RE: Nintendo Press Funeral Awesome Thread
« Reply #3 on: July 11, 2007, 06:31:35 AM »
codeguyty
1:03 AM
oops i think i just accidentally stickied your thread
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Offline Kairon

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RE: Nintendo Press Funeral Awesome Thread
« Reply #4 on: July 11, 2007, 06:50:52 AM »
LOL.
Carmine Red, Associate Editor

A glooming peace this morning with it brings;
The sun, for sorrow, will not show his head:
Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things;
Some shall be pardon'd, and some punished:
For never was a story of more woe
Than this of Sega and her Mashiro.

Offline nickmitch

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RE: Nintendo Press Funeral Awesome Thread
« Reply #5 on: July 11, 2007, 07:14:20 AM »
That was the best E3 thing I think I'll ever read.
TVman is dead. I killed him and took his posts.

Offline Athrun Zala

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RE: Nintendo Press Funeral Awesome Thread
« Reply #6 on: July 11, 2007, 07:48:33 AM »
Topic of the Century
Quote from: [b]Professional 666[/b]
JOIN MY ASS

IT'LL BE LOTS OF FUN
Best. Quote. Ever. XD

Offline Mashiro

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RE: Nintendo Press Funeral Awesome Thread
« Reply #7 on: July 11, 2007, 08:08:31 AM »
Wow that was...without a doubt the best E3 related post I have ever read lofl well done man well done!

Offline ShyGuy

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RE: Nintendo Press Funeral Awesome Thread
« Reply #8 on: July 11, 2007, 08:46:39 AM »
LOL, kudos for the sticky.

Offline NinGurl69 *huggles

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RE: Nintendo Press Funeral Awesome Thread
« Reply #9 on: July 11, 2007, 06:56:51 PM »
FUHKING PRICELESS
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Offline Urkel

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RE:Nintendo Press Funeral Awesome Thread
« Reply #10 on: July 11, 2007, 09:08:39 PM »
This will be remembered years from now.

Years.
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Offline blackfootsteps

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RE: Nintendo Press Funeral Awesome Thread
« Reply #11 on: July 12, 2007, 02:44:39 AM »
The name taking thing was brilliant.
“I waited all day. you waited all day.. but you left before sunset.. and I just wanted to tell you the moment was beautiful. Just wanted to dance to bad music drive bad cars.. watch bad TV.. should have stayed for the sunset...if not for me.”

Offline 18 Days

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RE: Nintendo Press Funeral Awesome Thread
« Reply #12 on: July 12, 2007, 05:16:03 AM »
Re reading it now I feel like going through and fixing the grammatical errors, typos and the way I seem to leap about from past presetn and future tense.

But I cbf.

Also thanks for the complimetns guys but It hink I did a funnier one last year. RABicle might've posted it on my behalf. I'll see if I can find it somewhere on the internets.  

LOL found last years. But it's not on PGC anymore (pruned it seems) so copy pasting from Garminforce.
Quote

Wow allright everyone so I just got off the phone with Iwata and we were just discussing what E3 would be like.

At first the conference will be covered in symbolism. All journalists entering the Kodak theatre will be required to shave their heads before stepping inside. There will be protests of course but all will be silenced with threats of missing out on the chance to be the first in the world to say "wow" when they reveal Revolution's graphics. Hyper magazine's corrospondant will continue to be a whiny bitch until Reggie shoots lasers from his eyes and sets fire to his hair.

Our freshly shaven jounalists will be seated and restless until suddenly the giant video screen infront of them bursts alive! It's the 2 minutes hate and the giant screen is filled with the faces of Steve Ballmer, Ken Kutaragi and J Allard. The video footage will be a montage. Ideally it would be all footage from the conferences immediatly preceding Nintendo's but Microsoft opted for a later slot. Spliced inbetween thise footage of stupid men talking about pie graphs and high definition will be archive footage of Hitler, Mussolini and Reagan.

BUT THEN a trumpet blows and a large caped figure begins sprinting into the Kodak theatre. Running down the asle, this giant clenches a PSP in his fist. Meanwhile on the video Ballmer is all "I LOVE THIS COMPANY! YEEEAAHH!" but before he can finish the caped figure throws his PSP is thrown at the screen and it explodes, destroying the screen.

The Internationale begins to play and as the screen crumbles and falls apart in a messy of sparks and smoke a SECOND screen behind it begins to play the first footage of Revolution games.

Almost in unison the crowd screams "WOW!"

Footage of games includes but is not limited to
Metroid Prime 3
Super Mario 128
Red Steel
Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles
Star Tropics: Oceania
F-Zero
Wario Ware
Virtua Tennis
and of course FLIGHT GAME (which will be revealed as the real title)

Our cloaked figure has now ascended nto the stage and bursts out of the cloak revealling himelf to in fact be Reggie! He produces a revmote from his pocket, swings it into the air, turning off the video and definantly shouts "LONG LIVE THE REVOLUTION!" to the screams of the weak journalists below him.

Reggie will then announce and introduce the winners of Nintendo's competition to be the first people to play Nintendo Revolution. The winners will be:
That guy with the afro and mouth bigger than Xbox who sat next to Reggie when he played Mario Kart at Mcdonalds.
The kid who was really excited when he got a N64 for Xmas. (On a sidenote, this kid will have already shat himself four times.)
And Fred Savage.

Fred Savage will then be "randomly" chosen as the ultimate winner and gets to challenge Reggie at Super Smash Bros: Brawl. Before they turn the Rev on Reggie will explain "Wait this is a four player game!" At this Iwata and the corpe of Yamauchii will take to the stage.

Of course it's no contest, Iwata wins. "Did I do well?" Fred will ask and Iwata will be all "LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLno"

While Reggie is busy throwing Fred Savage off the side of the stage Iwata will begin to murmour to the crowd "Don't worry, Goerge Harrison asked me if he courd come this morning and I ar-ready said noe." Iwata then gebins to crap on about feeling young again and how much he loves playing Tetris until Reggie interupts him "Hey should we reveal Revolution's secret now?"

Reggie reaches into his pocket and pulls out a helmet visor (he has large pockets) "HERE WE ARE" and as he goes to put it on, conspiracy theorists from blogspot will begin to shout from the back of the room "HAHA I KNEW IT!" at that point Reggie crushes the helmet with his hands and throws the shards at the moron up at the back.

Miyamoto then comes out to talk about his new game. it wasn't in the demo reel and his new game is all about running and operating you're own zoo except it's a zoo for fruit, not animals. By singing into a special microphone addon you can encourage you're fruit to grow bigger allowing to them to become neihbourhood champion wrestlers.

By this time, it will all become too much for Advance Media Network's Robert Miller who has flopped out his cock and is masturbating furiously, much to the delight of Planet Gamecube's Ty Shughart.

They won't be the only people turned on though, that chick from G4 will be back and so excited with Miyamoto's latest game will she be that she'll jsut drag him off stage to give him a headjob behind the curtains.

Reggie will once again resume control of the event and will begin to brag about DS sales. He'll also dismiss the entire Xbox 360 lineup as a joke and mock Ken Kutaragi's pathetic hairstyle, blaming Sony's future monetary woes on it. During this speech, Jeff Shirley of Planet Gamecube will have succesfully broken into the event, he'll run on stage and molest Iwata.

By now the conference will have gone an hour overtime, TeamXbox's rep who Nintendo invited as a joke will nervously try to stand upand leave. Reggie will spot him though and ROAR at him until he wets himself and returns to his seat.

Iwata then begins to round things up, and as he's about to walk off, returns quickly "Oh yeah I wasn't going to mention it because it's not taht exciting but Pokemon DS wir be a free onrine RPG." The crowd will go nuts and then Motion City Sountrack will take to the stage to perform "A-OK" reflecting the secret status page on NOA's website.


Also, this was meant to be, in a perfect world, a pietriots.com exclusive but no, Shifty's server is made of fial. He's hosting it HIMSELF! What a joke.


EDIT AGAIN: Totally re-reading last years. Damn that isn't funny at all, what was I thinking? Although TY and Jeff's appearance was lol, should've included theminstead of GoHobo and MattIGN.
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Offline Requiem

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RE: Nintendo Press Funeral Awesome Thread
« Reply #13 on: July 12, 2007, 06:43:06 AM »
I thought this was halarious:

Quote

Miyamoto then comes out to talk about his new game. it wasn't in the demo reel and his new game is all about running and operating you're own zoo except it's a zoo for fruit, not animals. By singing into a special microphone addon you can encourage you're fruit to grow bigger allowing to them to become neihbourhood champion wrestlers.

By this time, it will all become too much for Advance Media Network's Robert Miller who has flopped out his cock and is masturbating furiously, much to the delight of Planet Gamecube's Ty Shughart.
"Hey....

I'm not a whore, ok? Really.....really, I'm not.

But, if she slips man....if she slips, I slide!"

Qoute of the Summer

Offline MarioAllStar

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RE:Nintendo Press Funeral Awesome Thread
« Reply #14 on: July 12, 2007, 08:04:36 AM »
Awesome stuff. The name tag idea was great.

Last year's also exists here, as posted by RABicle.
Thanks for listening.

Offline 18 Days

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RE: Nintendo Press Funeral Awesome Thread
« Reply #15 on: July 12, 2007, 02:27:56 PM »
DS Australia!

That prick Ingram banned me after I left the forum saying it was homosexual.
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Offline Infernal Monkey

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RE: Nintendo Press Funeral Awesome Thread
« Reply #16 on: July 14, 2007, 01:25:48 AM »
This is the greatest collection of text NWR has ever seen!

Offline Shift Key

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RE:Nintendo Press Funeral Awesome Thread
« Reply #17 on: July 15, 2007, 03:45:22 AM »
Quote

Originally posted by: 18 Days
Also, this was meant to be, in a perfect world, a pietriots.com exclusive but no, Shifty's server is made of fial. He's hosting it HIMSELF! What a joke.


Kind of hard to fix problems when you're on holiday without internets.

And besides it was a terrible E3 in terms of news. This is probably still a highlight.