Want to know how awesome Metal Gear Solid 4 is? It's THIS awesome!ACT 1 - Middle East
~ You start off as Assassin Snake, his face hidden by his hood. The first thing I noticed was how laughable his punches are. It's like watching an old geezer having an episode...~ After getting accustomed to the clunky controls, I sneak my way through the town, avoiding these annoying mini-Gears (Geckos)...
~ Cutscene of Snake trying to get away from some Geckos that spotted him (GOOD JOB, SNAKE)...Hey look, a cardboard box! But surely you won't hide in it because that'd be what fans want! The Geckos come up and squish the box, disappointed that it only contains watermelons...I was disappointed too...The funny thing is that they dragged this scene on to act dramatic while ALREADY SHOWING THAT SNAKE WAS USING HIS OCTO-CAMO ON THE WALL NEARBY! WE ALREADY KNOW HE ISN'T UNDER THE BOX! WHAT WAS THE POINT!?~ Eventually you run into Otacon's Mark II robot thing (woo, cutscene). You can drive it around and shock people! (I rarely used it, though...)
~ A tank! Oh no! I crawled around behind the rebels hoping that they wouldn't spot the old guy humping the ground...~ Heading through the underground tunnels with my lovely nightvision, I found a rebel disguise! Yaaaaay, no need to sneak around!
~ Then you meet Drebin, a weapons launderer that talks your ear off for 15 minutes. Summary: He launders weapons. Thanks, you really needed all that time. At least the monkey was funny...~ Yay, I've got control aga...DAMMIT OTACON, LEAVE ME ALONE!
~ You make your way through a dilapidated building, and then...another cutscene...It's Diarrhea Guy! And he's...taking a crap under a barrel...~ Rebel guy chases him off and Snake is like "I love the smell of ****, so I'll just put this barrel IN MY PANTS!" (Snake's pockets are more bottomless than Link's...)
~ I used the barrel..."Wheeeeeee!," I shouted as I rolled around the area. Then i put it away and Snake immediately vomited, costing me psych points...I never used it again... >=|~ Blah, blah, more streets to walk through...Now I'm in a building of some so...DAMMIT, something exploded! That hurt! So I explore a bit more and...DAMMIT, ANOTHER ONE! So I quickly learn that I need to shoot the things that look like lanterns so they don't hurt me.
~ Time for another cutscene: IT'S DIARRHEA GUY! Diarrhea Guy sucks at life and falls for the oldest trick in the book. (The safety's on, rookie!) Snake gets surrounded anddddd, it's Meryl! "I ALWAYS BELIEVED IN YOU!" Blah, blah, some emotional drama stuff that I don't care about. Snake reveals why he's old. (accelerated aging)~ FROGs! These are the main enemies in the game. They are also annoying, because they make a high-pitched screech when you kill them. And they are all women. All of them. In fact, most of the enemies in this game, including bosses, are women...What's with all the woman-killing in this game?
~ Another cutscene...Later, Diarrhea Guy continues to be worthless and gets knocked out...Come on, Diarrhea Guy!~ More FROG killing and then another cutscene...Diarrhea Guy is afraid to jump down 10 feet...There's a limit to pathetic, yes? And then more cutscenes...and more Diarrhea Guy being absolutely worthless...
~ TANK! You crawl around behind this tank for a while before it gets blown up... ~ Another cutscene! A bunch of guys with a bulldozer get overwhelmed by the four female bosses of the game, all of which are wearing really stupid, unrealistic armor...
~ Then you make it through this small PMC camp and that's it...You get a cutscene of Liquid and then he uses the SEIZURE LAUNCHER which makes everyone with nanomachines start spazzing out...He doesn't seem surprised at all that Snake is there either...END OF ACT! Now it's time to install the next chapter! (Yes, INSTALL...)ACT 2 - South America
~ This is where you are introduced to something you are forced to sit through every Act...A boring 15 minute mission briefing cutscene! I spent my time driving the Mark II around watching Sunny make eggs (far more exciting than what was going on in the other room)...Sunny is awesome, and Snake is a big, fat JERK! >=(~ So after another cutscene with Laughing Octopus and Vamp making their appearances, I snuck down and took out the guards and freed the prisoners...Now they are on my side, woohoo!
~ I get a call from Campbell and Snake starts getting on his case about taking Rose as a wife even though she's young enough to be his daughter...Yeah, Snake, I agree with you, but come on, you don't talk about this **** when you are sneaking through enemy territory~ Then I got a call from Raiden, who apparently is watching my every move...THAT'S NOT THE LEAST BIT DISTURBING...
~ Then a call from Rose...Blah, blah, more drama..."Don't tell Jack I'm part of this mission, blah, blah..." I DON'T CARE! JUST LET ME PLAY!~ Time to take out snipers and help the rebels storm this power plant...building...thing...Meh...I mortared the hell out of the PMCs! **** stealth!
~ I make it through and, look who's here...Drebin! More cutscenes...
The monkey is clearly the best character in this game so far...and I hate monkeys...This is not a good sign of things to come...~ So eventually I come across a bulldozer (which looks identical to the one in the Middleeast...) and have to help it break into this mansion complex...I sneak inside and make it out the other side and finally come across...
~ Naomi! Okay, finally, now let's get out of h...Gah, cutscene! A really long-winded technobabble about nanomachines and how Snake is going to die soon...I don't care, I know Laughing Octopus is around here, let me fight her!~ So the game finally catches on and the battle with her begins...I just run around the building with my nightvision on to spot her camo...All done!
~ Wait, no, now I have to fight her again! >=O Wait, what? Why is she walking so slow? *bang bang*
Hey, she dodged my shots! Well how about a MACHINE GUN! She crumples in seconds...That's it? Uhhhhh...~ After she dies (more not-so-subtle symbolism as she curls up in the fetal position), I get a comm call from Drebin (leave me alone!) and he sends me on a guilt trip by telling Laughing Octopus' life tragedy. I don't care, she's dead. Telling me this now won't change a damn thing. Oh, and apparently she was forced to kill her parents and the blood turned black, which reminded her of octopus ink...Yeah, it's really, REALLY stupid...And it's a theme that continues on with the other bosses...
~ Now it's time for a pointless segment...You have to track Naomi by following her footsteps with nightvision...Not only is this tedious, but most of the paths go the same bloody direction ANYWAY...~ Blah, blah, another cutscene...Snake shoots Vamp in the head, PMCs shoot at Snake, Drebin comes out of nowhere with his APC, Naomi jumps on the APC, etc, etc...
~ Gameplay time...You just shoot at **** from the APC's gun, taking out soldiers that crawl onto it like zombies while also trying to take down Geckos...~ Eventually Raiden appears and he has this pretty badass action scene against the Gecko army...
~ Then you have another stupid gameplay sequence which takes about thirty seconds...You just run away from Geckos a span of about 50 yards...POINTLESS!~ Another cutscene with Raiden VS Vamp...It's a draw, and Raiden starts vomiting milk...So after that one cutscene he's pretty much out of it for the entire next Act...END OF ACT!ACT 3 - Europe
~ This Act is ass, so I will summarize as best I can...~ Cutscene of boring and Meryl being angsty and calling Snake old (you'd think Snake would be used to being called old by now)...Oh, and Face Camo of Young Snake.
~ Follow this idiot Resistance member as he takes a stupidly convoluted path through the city.~ Another long cutscene revealing Eva is Snake's surrogate mother. Woohoo. Oh, and Big Boss' body is in the van.
~ Oh boy, gameplay! Now it's time to ride on the back of Eva's bike as we zoom around shooting guys and those stupid flying things...~ Aw, gameplay's over. Another crappy cutscene. Eva is so unlucky. She flew off the bike and got impaled on a fence spike. Don't die, Eva! You're pretty cool! TIME TO FIGHT BOSS!
~ Raging Raven. This boss is just laughable. RAGE! RAGGGGGGGGGGGE! Seriously, if you didn't laugh at how stupid she sounds, then you are taking this game way too seriously.~ Time for another short cutscene of her going crazy...
~ Stupid rehashed "shoot slow-moving woman in the face" second part of the battle...~ Another stupid guilt trip message from Drebin. She and a bunch of others were caged up and beaten, then left behind. Then ravens tried to eat her. See a theme popping up here? Man are these stories stupid...
~ Shiiiiit, another long stupid cutscene. Liquid has the system under control, so no one can use their guns. Looks like they are screwed. Oh my god, Diarrhea Guy's face! He looks like Squall...Then Liquid dumps Big Boss' body in a fire and Eva jumps in after it. UHHHHH...Snake saves her and gets his face burnt. Sexy Snake no more! Eva somehow didn't get burnt, but she dies anyway
...END OF ACT!ACT 4 - Shadow Moses
~ After you have your stupid shitty mission briefing (Get this, if you are playing straight through from the last Act, you had a 15 minute cutscene, 3-4 minutes of installing, and now another 15 minute cutscene. This game is so awesome.), the chapter starts off with a cool "dream sequence" where you replay the first area of the original PS1 MGS. This was the best part of the game, sadly enough.~ Now you have to break into the complex AGAIN. This time with the power of PS THREEEEEEE! They did a good job recreating Shadow Moses, so they get kudos from me for this. As you sneak around, Snake has voice flashbacks of the original game. Unfortunately, while they recreated the area well, all you do is avoid those shitty three-armed drones and Geckos. Bleh.
~ Woo, instead of going through the front door I decide to go in the original way through the vents! I am hardcore.~ Aw, vent is broken. Time to drop into this roo....m...Son of a biiiiitch, there are like 40 of those shitty security drones running around in here. I dive off the side and don't even bother with the few items hanging around in corners of the room.
~ An open field! This looks familiar! But instead of tank guy I instead get two broken Geckos. Wait, not broken! ****! *reloads file*~ Hey, this room is empty! Awesome, now I just have to walk through the back door an...Oh, the game won't let me off that easily. It's locked. Otacon gives Snake a five-digit code and makes another age joke. Shut up, Otacon. Seriously, stop the age jokes. We get that Old Snake is old by now.
~ You reach the computer like 5 minutes later and he asks you to input it. Is this Brain Training?~ Uh oh, a Gecko drops from the ceiling. EXPLOSIONS! No more Gecko.
~ Now that the doors are powered, Otacon plugs in and, uh, the Gecko comes down in the elevator. I DESTROYED THAT GECKO! GRRRR! So now you have to spend a couple minutes distracting it while Otacon takes his sweet time opening the doors for you to escape into the next area.~ Hey, this area smells like...a boss battle! A rehashed boss battle at that! This time it's Crying Wolf, spiritual successor to Sniper Wolf. And if you guessed that you need to snipe her before she snipes you, then you get a cookie. I chilled for a while underneath the truck so no one could find me, but I got bored waiting for her to come out, so I just Rambo'd it on all the FROGs (more woman-killing) and used my nightvision to find Crying Wolf.
~ And yes, you get another stupid "she walks towards you while you shoot her in the face scene"~ And you get a Rail Gun. Seriously, Snake picks up this gun that is as big as he is. Where does he keep it? That sure isn't fitting down his pants!
~ After the battle a wolf comes by and howls and Snake is all "SNIPER WOLF?" No, Snake, it's just a wolf. God, are you senile? MORE OLD JOKES, TEE HEE!~ Then Otacon makes a really stupid joke about not having to switch discs because this is PLAYSTATION THREEEEEEE! BluRay is so awesome!
~ INSERT A BUNCH OF STUPID "AVOID DRONES AND GECKOS IN A BUNCH OF ROOMS" HERE~ Now you get to fight Vamp! Die, die, die! Yes, he's deaaaaaad! Wait, he got back up...Die, die, die! He's dead again! Wait, what the hell? He got up again!? Well how about this? SYRINGE'D!
~ Oh boy, here's Cloud again. I mean Raiden. No, wait, maybe it IS Cloud. Anyways, you have to shoot Geckos with the Rail Gun before they kamikaze you. The screen splits for some stupid reason because it was absolutely imperative that more cutscenes were crammed into the game (ones that you can't really watch because you are too busy shooting Geckos). So you get half the screen to see these stupid Geckos while Cloud and Vamp duke it out with knives.~ So finally Vamp dies (for real this time) and you get the whole spiel on how Vamp isn't immortal and all that jazz (No ****, Naomi...) Then she commits suicide as Otacon performs some of the worst acting ever.
~ Then after she dies Otacon is all "I WON'T CRY ANYMORE, I'M SO TOUGH." The guy was just bawling his eyes out just a minute before, and now he's fine? Bullshit, this acting is pissing me off.~ Oh my, time to drive Metal Gear Rex! So awesome! Actually, it's not quite as awesome as I'd hoped because IT CONTROLS LIKE ASS. Still, it does the job and rapes the hell out of all the Geckos in my way. Manuever through some boring tunnels and you make it outside, only to find...
~ Metal Gear Ray! BOSS TIME! This was a pretty cool fight. Shoot missles and lasers and machine guns all day, with the occasional QTE thrown in. Did you have fun? I must admit I did! It's all downhill from here, folks!~ Shitty cutscene time! Cloud cuts his arm off and saves Snake, who is being a complete puss by not moving as the GIANT SHIP OF DOOOOOM comes towards him...Cloud stops a huge SHIP, with his SWORD...This is stupid. Blah blah, looks like Cloud dies, but he didn't. Cloud is very good at having awesome action sequences which end with him being completely useless. END OF ACT!ACT 5 - Liquid's Ship of DOOOOOOOM
~ I hope you had fun with the game, because there's about 25 minutes of gameplay left!~ Cutscene of everyone being grouchy, particularly Snake, who makes random emo comments during the mission briefing. Shut up, Snake. Ever since Act 3 most of your screentime has been you coughing and going into seizures. Diarrhea guy attempts to grab Mei Ling's butt, but is thwarted by Meryl. Poor diarrhea guy. Should have gone after Mei Ling in the first place.
~ Starts off on the ship deck. Get a call from Meryl. She's in deep **** and Diarrhea Guy fell in the ocean. These guys are great backup. You have to sneak around all these FROGs and Geckos, but after a few fruitless attempts I just Rambo'd it. I mean, ****, I stocked up so much explosive ammo over the course of the game, so I might as well use it!~ I entered a big room and somehow Snake doesn't hear all these FROGs walking around above him. Going deaf too? Meryl is knocked out. Good job, Meryl!
~ You shoot a bunch of FROGs, then Screaming Mantis appears. And surprise, surprise, it's the spiritual successor to Psycho Mantis! (without the cleverness of switching controller ports)~ So she now has control over Meryl and a bunch of dead FROGs, so I just run around blasting them until I decide it's time to take her on. I figure I have to shoot these two stupid dolls that she's dangling in my face.
~ Uh oh, that made her mad. Now she's making Meryl shoot at me. But I can't shoot Meryl because that'd lead to Game Over, I guess. Oh great, Meryl is going to attempt to shoot herself! SYRINGE'D!~ Now it's just me and Screaming Mantis. Whoops, I stole her doll, tee hee! CHUNK'D! Then, uh, you just waggle the controller and she just sorta flops around and dies. Yep, that's it!
~ Oh wait, you have to shoot her in the face as she walks slowly towards you. WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS!?~ Then the ghost of Psycho Mantis pops up (what?) and makes a stupid joke about how Snake has improved his skills because he no longer uses a memory card...Uhhhhhh...
~ Another Drebin comm message of guilt. The girl was imprisoned and ended up feasting on male corpses. Except she thought it was a female mantis eating her mates. Uhhhhh, did you get that? It's just so pathetic and forced. HER PAST INVOLVES MANTISES AND SHE IS NOW SCREAMING MANTIS! DO YOU GET IT!? DO YOU GET IT!?~ More cutscenes...I just sorta stopped paying attention around here. Basically Meryl hangs back while Snake continues forward.
~ And uh, you just run down the same hallway a couple times while more voice flashbacks pop up. Oh wait, more shitty security drones! I didn't even bother shooting at them, instead doing the tried and true "Zelda roll" through them.~ Another cutscene...Are you ****ing serious? I just had control over the game for not even 2 minutes! Snake falls on the ground like a puss while the FROGs close in with knives...Why? WHY NOT JUST SHOOT HIM AND END THIS CRAPPY GAME!? Cloud comes outta nowhere and starts belching emo phrases, and Snake finally realizes what a douche he's been these past few Acts and grows up a bit. So Snake moves on into the microwave room.
~ There was also another cutscene involving Diarrhea Guy and Meryl somewhere in here. In cliche fashion he saves her at the last second and asks her to marry him. Then she gets angry because she wants to wear the pants in the relationship and tells him no, then asks him to marry her. Then they start having their first marriage squabble as they shoot FROGs, and Diarrhea Guy jams magazines into Meryl's pistols for her (they get some kudos for the clever sexual symbolism). When did Chickenshit turn into Mr. Badass anyway? This lack of logical continuity makes me flaccid...~ And now we have the WORST part of ANY game EVER. Yes, EVER! Snake stumbles through this long hallway, getting zapped every once in a while (so he falls to the ground and starts CRAWLING slower than a snail), his health slowly decreasing, while you MASH THE TRIANGLE BUTTON...FOR THREE MINUTES STRAIGHT...YOU MASH THE TRIANGLE BUTTON FOR THREE MINUTES STRAIGHT! Meanwhile, the screen splits in two again to show the battle outside as you are mashing the triangle button cursing Snake for crawling so slowly, praying that you don't die so you don't have to mash triangle FOR THREE MINUTES STRAIGHT again. After it was over I had to leave the room for a few minutes so I wouldn't chunk my PS3 through the window...
~ MORE CUTSCENES...This time Otacon is uploading the virus to destroy the system and, OH GOD THOSE DRONES ARE BACK! Snake forgets all of his military training and shoots spastically like the dead meat in your average sci-fi movie when he comes up against a monster. He was able to shoot two, maybe three when there are like thirty walking towards him. Oh noes, everyone is in trouble. Cloud gets his sword knocked out of his mouth and doesn't do JACK ****. Meryl and Diarrhea Guy are pretty much out of ammo (geez, how many FROGs are in this room? You'd think that there'd be a PILE that these guys (girls) would be stumbling on!) The drones swarm Snake as one tries to couple with his head...fruitlessly. Then with cliche timing, Otacon pulls the plug and everything magically stops working...All the Geckos, all the drones, and the FROGs start seizuring...Yaaaaaay, it's ooooveeeeer...Wait, no, I forgot about Liquid... >=|~ So now you have a lovey-dovey fist battle with different forms of Liquid/Ocelot/etc. from the previous three games. The camera switches so often and goes into uncontrollable, short cutscenes constantly, so you have absolutely no idea when you have been given control of the game again. So I just ended up mashing Punch and hitting triangle whenever it popped up on screen. Then he dies. IT'S OVEEEEEEEEEEEER!
~ No, I lied...It's not over. Now I have to sit through the shitty ending sequence. ~ Meryl and Diarrhea Guy get married. This whole scene was pointless and added nothing.
~ Raiden gets back together with Rose after he decides to quit acting like a child and drops the Cloud-act.~ Snake shoots himself in the mouth! IT'S OVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER! CREDITS! YES IT'S FINALLY OVVVV...
*Credits stop at Big Boss' voice actor*
~ Wait, Big Boss never spoke in this gaaa...Awwwwwww... >=O
~ Yep, it's time for another long boring cutscene. Snake pussed out of killing himself. Big Boss is alive (the body burned in Europe was that of Solidus) and he talks to Snake about a bunch of **** involving The Patriots and Zero is there, comatose. Big Boss makes some NOT-SO-SUBTLY forced symbolism about "eliminating zero to go back to one" and then Big Boss himself dies.~ AND YES, IT'S FINALLY OVEEEEEEEEEEEEER! FOR REAL! IT'S REALLY OVER! CREDITS AND ONE LAST COMM MESSAGE WITH OTACON!
Oh yeah, from the final blow on Liquid back to the title screen, it takes around an hour! An incredibly boring hour that fit such a boring game! THE END!Final Score: 10 snores out of 10!