Post by: peewee321 on August 22, 2003, 08:59:59 PM
why cant a blonde dail 911.... she cant find the 11
one day a blonde named sally was puting together a puzzle. she was really stumped and very frustrated so she decided to ask her husband for help. "its supposed to be a tiger!" Sally creid. "Honey,"said dan, "Put the frosted flakes back in the box.
your mama's so fat, when she steped on the dogs tail we had to change hes name to beaver. (she flaten the tail)
What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common...theyre both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, your dead
Post by: Hostile Creation on August 22, 2003, 09:22:58 PM
Post by: NinGurl69 *huggles on August 22, 2003, 10:56:27 PM
Post by: aoi tsuki on August 22, 2003, 11:57:26 PM
Post by: PIAC on August 23, 2003, 12:13:22 AM
someone on ebay demanding 50 US$'s to post chronotrigger to me, THATS a joke
Post by: S-U-P-E-R on August 23, 2003, 02:36:59 AM
Post by: yellowfellow on August 23, 2003, 08:04:25 AM
poor guy meets a rich guy on the street. both are buying christmas presents for their spouses. poor guy asks the rich guy, "what'd you buy your wife?". rich guy goes, "got her a diamond ring and a mercedes". poor guy asks, "why both?". rich guy replies "well, i got her the diamond ring, and if she doesn't like it she can drive to the store, and get something bigger, in the mercedes".
rich guy asks the poor guy "what'd you get your wife?". poor guy responds "a pair of slippers and a vibrator". rich guy asks "why both?". porr guy says, "well, i got her the pair of slippers and if she doesn't like them she can go screw herself".
Post by: >X< Kitten >X< on August 23, 2003, 01:52:43 PM
Man dirty jokes are the best. I also enjoy dead baby jokes. Anyone got any?
Post by: mouse_clicker on August 23, 2003, 02:01:34 PM
I don't know have too many jokes I like, either- I prefer true stories, ala The Darwin Awards.
Post by: Hostile Creation on August 23, 2003, 07:30:38 PM
Dirty and clean jokes are both funny. Like people, it depends on the joke, not the category.
Post by: mouse_clicker on August 23, 2003, 07:45:27 PM
They aren't augmented with words like dick and fart to get you to laugh more- they're funny on their own.
Post by: rpglover on August 24, 2003, 04:08:13 AM
Post by: Hostile Creation on August 24, 2003, 07:36:00 AM
You'll see the Mr. Bunny, Mr. Bear joke from me soon. When I stop being lazy.
Post by: Hostile Creation on August 24, 2003, 07:42:30 AM
Post by: Grey Ninja on August 24, 2003, 07:57:44 AM
To me, profanity is a very essentially part of our language. Without profanity, one cannot properly voice extreme viewpoints.
In the context of a dirty joke, vulgarity will often put people off guard, and make the joke that much more funny. Because a joke is dirty doesn't make it any less funny without the dirtiness taken out. It can just often add an extra edge or level of meaning. If you think that a joke is inherently unfunny because it's dirty or racist, then I think you seriously need to reevaluate your logic.
Now, on another subject:
TO ANYONE WHO SPEAKS/UNDERSTANDS GERMAN: Do any of you have any clue what the World's Funniest Joke is? I suppose that a translation exists somewhere on the internet, but as it was only said in German on the show, I have no clue what it is. It's no doubt something completely silly, but I would really like to know what the joke is anyways, as that was always my favorite Monty Python sketch.
Post by: KnowsNothing on August 24, 2003, 10:20:58 AM
A man was hiking in the woods with his friend. His friend accidently got shot (or something). Panicked, the man called 911. He said the his friend had been shot, what should he do? The voice on the other end said, "well, is he dead yet?" There's silence, and then a gunshot, and the man picks up the phone again and says, "Yeah, he's dead, now what?"
See? Funny? HAHAHAHAHAHA not. I doubt it's the same joke, but who knows?
Post by: Grey Ninja on August 24, 2003, 10:25:20 AM
It was a Monty Python sketch about a joke writer who had written the world's funniest joke then died laughing. Everyone who read the joke then died laughing as well. They translated the joke one word at a time into German, then used it against the Nazis in WW2. It was a VERY funny sketch, and they said the world's funniest joke several times in German. I have no idea what the joke was though I suspect it was something REALLY silly.
According to one study though, this is the World's Funniest Joke. (They surveyed a bunch of people or something.)
Quote
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
PS: Proof that dirty jokes are hilarious:
Quote
A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"
"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered.
The wife asked, "Are you a genie?"
"Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.
The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.
The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"
The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."
The husband and wife agreed.
After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"
To which she responded, "Three years."
The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"
To which she replied, "31 years old"
The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"
Post by: KnowsNothing on August 24, 2003, 10:46:56 AM
On the issue of funny, Dave Barry is a humor columnist for the Miami Hereld. Go on to www.davebarry.com and click "columns" to read his columns and get a feel for his style of writing. If you like him, the books I have read and enjoyed are "Dave Barry does Japan" and "Dave Barry in Cyberspace" both are VERY funny.
Post by: Grey Ninja on August 24, 2003, 10:52:56 AM
They are a little much to put here, but they are funny as hell.
Post by: mouse_clicker on August 24, 2003, 12:09:07 PM
Quote
Mouse Clicker, the english language has a massive vocabulary, but I really fail to see why anyone would wish to ban certain words from their speech for the sake of being more politically correct. Adding profanity to a sentence is like adding a bit of Jalepeno to a chili. I really do not know why you would deliberately reduce your vocabulary.
I never said anything about political correctness- I hate how politically correct our world has become. I agree with you that swear words are apart of our language, and I DO swear, as I've shown even on this board. In the course of a joke, however, people rely too often on swearing and bodily functions to get people to laugh, and to me that's uncreative. People end up laughing at the word fart rather than the joke itself, which I don't like, and not because they're minds are in the gutter, but because they didn't get the ACTUAL joke. To me, clean jokes are better because you're not falling back on something that will always get a laugh. If swearing was truly apart of our language, though, people wouldn't laugh every time they heard a swear word- it's slowly being integrated, more than ever nowadays, but the fact remains all it takes to make people laugh is to swear or to say words like fart and dick. I don't like those jokes because they're unoriginal and uncreative, not because of their nature.
BTW, your "hilarious" dirty joke wasn't very funny. I still laugh at dirty jokes, but that one was not a good example. I do love Monty Python, though.
Post by: Grey Ninja on August 24, 2003, 12:11:37 PM
Post by: mouse_clicker on August 24, 2003, 12:16:51 PM
And if the English language has hundreds of thousands of words, why must jokes rely on a collection 7 or 8 to get people to laugh?
Post by: Grey Ninja on August 24, 2003, 12:18:32 PM
Post by: mouse_clicker on August 24, 2003, 12:21:27 PM
Post by: Grey Ninja on August 24, 2003, 12:24:30 PM
I would consider Stephen King and Edgar Allen Poe to be two of the world's greatest writers. Do you think either of them shied away from using profanity?
I am going to bed.
Post by: mouse_clicker on August 24, 2003, 12:32:22 PM
I;m not saying profanity itself is bad, and I'm not sure how I conveyed that. What I'm saying is that I don't like it when entire jokes revolve around profanity and I find funny clean jokes to be MUCH more creative, and I admire and respect that more than dirty jokes. Take the comedian Brian Regan, for instance- one of the funniest men alive, in my opinion (I've nearly lost my contacts my eyes were so full of tears), and yet he rarely ever uses profanity. I don't admire him because he DOESN'T use profanity, but because he doesn't have to fall back on it to make people laugh. I feel only when you've proven you don't need dirty words to support your comedy can you move into using those same words to augment your jokes. Yes, profanity can make a joke funnier, but it shouldn't be the only reason the joke is funny in my opinion.
Post by: KnowsNothing on August 24, 2003, 01:58:56 PM
Profanity, meh, don't care.
And Ninja, I believe it's a misunderstanding. mouse-clicker agrees with what you're saying, he just thinks most jokes that use profanity are uncreative.
(I am ashamed at this, but, Grey, when you said "and I could really care less if some 14 year old is giggling while I am while I am ranting about the fart that stunk up my dick." I couldn't help but crack a smile. Mostly because you were trying to prove that it wasn't funny, and laughing would have made it funny that you were actually funny. But you weren't. I'll shut up now)
Post by: mouse_clicker on August 24, 2003, 03:09:27 PM
There you go, KnowsNothing- I don't know if it includes his hilarious pop-tarts routine, but that's his only album out now. Enjoy.
Post by: Ms.Pikmin on August 24, 2003, 03:37:13 PM
Who's there?
PIE! *smashes pie in face*
Post by: KnowsNothing on August 24, 2003, 04:29:41 PM
pop-tart routine?! POP TARTS ARE TEH AWESOME
Post by: Hostile Creation on August 24, 2003, 05:07:15 PM
That genie joke is funny. I shall retell it. Anyhoo, I've got get off the board for now, but hopefully soon I'll post that damn joke I keep talking about. Until then, I shall keep you entertained by saying @sshole.
Post by: yellowfellow on August 26, 2003, 06:21:39 AM
a blonde girl is looking for summer work so she knocks on this guys front door. a man answers and asks what she wants. the blonde asks "is there any work you have for me to do around your house?". the man responds "well. actually, there's a porch around back and paint in the garage, if you can sand and paint the porch, i'll give you 20 bucks". the blonde then agrees and immediately sets off to the garage. the man, so joyful with his deal. turns back into the house to go gloat to his wife, "honey, guess what? i got this nice young lady to sand and paint our entir porch for only 20 dollars!". "20 dollars!?!", the wife replies, "did she see how large the porch is? it will take her atleast 2 weeks to complete that project." the man just shrugged and sat down to read his newspaper. after approximately 1 hour, there was another knock at the dorr. the man answered and saw the blonde standing there covered in paint. "all finished!!!" she exclaimed. "what?" asked the man, "you're completely done? everything? you sanded and painted everything?" the blonde nodded her head and smiled with satisfaction and then responded "yup, i covered it all... oh and by the way, it's a ferrari... not a porche."
it's easier to surprise with this joke when it's recited.
Post by: S-U-P-E-R on August 26, 2003, 09:09:53 AM
Post by: yellowfellow on August 26, 2003, 10:11:41 AM
two muffins are tossed into an oven, the first muffin wakes up and looks around and realizes that it's getting hot and says, "oh man, wake up... it's getting hot in here". the second muffin wakes up and the first exclaims "we're being baked!!!" ...the second muffin now alarmed yells "holy crap! a talking muffin!"
Post by: Hostile Creation on August 26, 2003, 03:26:14 PM
Mr. Bunny and Mr. Bear are walking through the woods together. By chance, they stumble upon a magic lamp, which they rub. The genie emerges and informs them that they can each have three wishes. Ecstatic, Mr. Bear says "I wish every bear in this forest would be female" and the genie makes it so. Mr. Bunny thinks for a while, then says "I wish I had. . . a helmet." "A HELMET!?" rages Mr. Bear. "You could have anything in the world and you wish for a helmet?" But Mr. Bunny persists, and he receives a helmet. Mr. Bear then decides to wish that every bear in the entire country would be female, and the genie says that it is done. Mr. Bunny wishes for a motorcycle, which Mr. Bear accepts, though he thinks it could have been better. Mr. Bear's final wish is that every bear in the world would be female! And it is so. Then Mr. Bunny hops on his bike, puts on his helmet, and begins to drive away. As he leaves, he shouts back to the genie: "I wish Mr. Bear was g a y!"
Post by: GoldShadow1 on August 26, 2003, 07:14:52 PM
Post by: rpglover on August 26, 2003, 07:17:45 PM
if anyone sees the movie on that link and has watch family guy before- you may get the connection
Post by: PIAC on August 26, 2003, 10:07:14 PM
MUST... KILL... LINCON...
Post by: KnowsNothing on October 16, 2003, 12:39:30 PM
A little boy was sitting in church wondering about god. He had a few questions, and he decided to ask the priest about it.
"Father, is god a man or a women?" he askes.
and the priest replies, "god is neither man nor women"
the boys asks,"Well, is god black or white?"
to which the father responds, "god is neither black nor white."
So the boy thought about this and finally asked, "Father?...is Michael Jackson god?"
Post by: Bill Aurion on October 16, 2003, 12:42:02 PM
*shakes fist at KnowsNothing*
Post by: KnowsNothing on October 16, 2003, 12:46:41 PM
And besides, I brought back becasue maybe somebody else had a funny joke they wanted to share. I need a good laugh.
Post by: Hostile Creation on October 16, 2003, 01:22:02 PM
Post by: KnowsNothing on October 16, 2003, 01:41:28 PM
Post by: mouse_clicker on October 16, 2003, 01:49:24 PM
A man has a son, and on his son's 5th birthday he told him he could have anything he wanted, all he had to do was ask. His son asked for a green golf ball. The father was a bit puzzled, but complied. On his son's 10th birthday, his father again told him he could have anything he wanted, he just had to ask. His son asked for a bucket of green golf balls. The father is even more puzzled, but again complies. When his son turns 16, once more his father tells him he can have anything he wants for his birthday, he only had to ask. His son asked for 10 buckets of green golf balls. The father has no idea what's going on, but sure enough he complies. When his son completes high school, his father offers him anything he wants as a graduation present, anything at all. His son asks for a car full of green golf balls. The father can't possibly see what they're for, but, as usual, he complies. Later on his son gets married and his father tells him he can have anything he wants as a wedding gift, he just needed to ask. His son asked for a house full of green golf balls. The father is at the limits of his perception, but has no choice but to comply. Finally, when the father is on his death bed with his son by his side, he asks his son why he wanted all those green golf balls. And then he died.
Post by: Hostile Creation on October 16, 2003, 02:20:23 PM
Post by: KnowsNothing on October 16, 2003, 02:27:12 PM
*sheds a tear*
SO I WILL MAKE IT MY LIFE'S GOAL TO FIND OUT!
*runs out the door*
*smashes into the glass door that he didn't see there, spewing blood everywhere*
SMASH'D.
oh my what a mess....
Post by: NotRimmer on October 16, 2003, 10:24:18 PM
Because the chicken lacks any reasoning or decision-making capabilities, it seems unlikely the chicken's action was spurred by any particular motivation.
Easily one of the greatest jokes ever
Post by: Moonwatcher on October 17, 2003, 06:06:20 AM
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef.
Post by: mouse_clicker on October 17, 2003, 07:06:38 AM
Ok, I've got another one- if quizzes are quzzical, what are tests? I'll let you guys figure it out on your own.
Post by: KnowsNothing on October 17, 2003, 09:43:34 AM
Moonwatcher: I don't get it.:\
*pees soup*
Post by: KnowsNothing on October 24, 2003, 10:17:02 AM
Oh yeah. I remember now.
I think we should have a pun competition. This could be a total flop, but puns have to be the greatest kind of joke ever, and even if one person submits a pun it's be worth it. for those of you who don't know, a pun is a "play-on-words" (No, the acronym doesn't work.)
Anyway, this competition has no winner or no prize or anything. Actually, screw that. Just tell me some puns.
I'd tell some, but they're all too hilarious-piss-your-pants-lol-rotfl-lmao-blow your head-eat-some-noodles-funny for all you guys.
READY GO!
Post by: Mario on October 24, 2003, 03:03:37 PM
Ummm... i was walking down the street one day, when i err, said "GDAY MATE!" to a man. He responded, "GDAY?! But its night time!". Oh ho ho, i was rolling on the floor after that one.
Post by: KnowsNothing on October 24, 2003, 04:36:43 PM
Post by: Bill Aurion on October 24, 2003, 06:15:40 PM
I have plenty of jokes, but they don't belong in family forums such as these ^_^
Post by: oohhboy on October 25, 2003, 02:04:49 AM
Man out of all these jokes only roasting beef one has been funny. Dirty or not try harder.
Post by: Hostile Creation on October 25, 2003, 08:44:08 AM
Uh, puns? What'd the fish say when he hit the brick wall?
Dam.
There are many good ones, and that one's okay, but I'll have to rememeber some better ones.
Post by: KnowsNothing on October 25, 2003, 09:00:06 AM
There were three moles digging through the ground and they suddenly come upon a house.
Papa Mole, being the leader of the family, decides to check out the house. He digs a hole
through the kitchen floor and notices a pleasant odor. He says, "That smells good. I think
I smell jelly. Mama Mole, come up and smell this."
Mama Mole hears him and comes through the hole and says, "mmmmmm....that smells nice, Baby Mole, come up here, this smells great."
Baby Mole tries to come through the hole but he can't fit in with his two parents, and he gets stuck between his parents rear ends and says with disappointment, "Hey, all I smell is molasses."
Post by: KnowsNothing on October 25, 2003, 09:02:50 AM
A: Greece
Post by: Bill Aurion on October 25, 2003, 10:43:08 AM
Quote
Originally posted by: Hostile Creation
Our Physics teacher. . . for some reason, he calls all his quizzes "quizzies" and worksheets "funsies". . .
Woah, really? My physics teacher last year called worksheets "funsies" too...weird
Post by: oohhboy on October 26, 2003, 03:09:47 AM
Post by: Hostile Creation on October 26, 2003, 06:17:30 AM
That's kind of weird, Bill. Maybe that's just an inherent trait in Physics teachers. . .
