Community Forums => General-3 => Topic started by: Halbred on May 06, 2010, 07:19:59 PM
Title: I Can't Stop
Post by: Halbred on May 06, 2010, 07:19:59 PM
I've been farting nonestop since I woke up. It's really wierd. And they're BAD ones, too. If a dog walked in here, it would immediately die. Our receptionist came in to give me a file. I think she was afraid.
Title: Re: I Can't Stop
Post by: NWR_insanolord on May 06, 2010, 07:26:29 PM
I nominate this thread for ShyGuy's contest.
Title: Re: I Can't Stop
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 06, 2010, 07:29:32 PM
Are you lactose intolerant?
did you eat lots of hardboiled eggs?
some slightly spoiled meat?
we need a description of the scent if we are to diagnose the problem here.
Title: Re: I Can't Stop
Post by: nickmitch on May 06, 2010, 07:37:50 PM
Brussel sprouts?
Title: Re: I Can't Stop
Post by: Halbred on May 06, 2010, 07:40:09 PM
Not lactose intolerant. Didn't eat any hardboiled eggs or spoiled meat.
These are not explosive farts. They just slip out, but then they hang. And collect, and build upon each-other. I don't think my office will ever be able to sell my chair, or even give it away. They don't smell like anything in particular, just rancid.
I blame the teriyaki chicken and sticky rice I ate yesterday for lunch, although it seems like I should've been tootin' away long before this morning if that were the case. The only other thing that could've caused it is the mac & cheese I ate for dinner, but I eat mac & cheese all the time with no ill effects.
Title: Re: I Can't Stop
Post by: ShyGuy on May 06, 2010, 07:50:21 PM
Perhaps rancid meat that has impacted itself along the side of your bowels for years is finally being let loose.
Title: Re: I Can't Stop
Post by: Peachylala on May 06, 2010, 09:36:03 PM
Your farts will only become awesome if they allow you to fly through the air.
Then you would become a real life Kid Muscle, sans the ugly face.
Title: Re: I Can't Stop
Post by: EasyCure on May 06, 2010, 10:17:56 PM
you and my brother should NEVER meet.
Title: Re: I Can't Stop
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 06, 2010, 10:20:21 PM
Here is what you need so that this does not go to waste.
1 Jar w/ lid
that's it.
Now next few times you have to fart, try to capture it in the jar, unfiltered through clothing if possible. seal it up. put it on the shelf for about 1 week.
After the week goes by, take the jar off the shelf and ask a friend to open it for you and smell inside.
Report back if the stink stays in the jar. This in now Mythbusters.
Title: Re: I Can't Stop
Post by: Halbred on May 07, 2010, 01:11:45 PM
DUDE I TOTALLY SHOULD
Title: Re: I Can't Stop
Post by: ThePerm on May 09, 2010, 08:13:53 PM
drink some milk and they'll be worse immediately and then go away
Title: Re: I Can't Stop
Post by: Halbred on May 10, 2010, 04:17:49 PM
It's happening again. Not as frequent, but just as bad (if not worse). I blame the jambalaya I had for dinner last night, but it's a tenuous cause.
Title: Re: I Can't Stop
Post by: Caliban on May 10, 2010, 04:29:58 PM
Keep a candle/lighter, and a camcorder on standby... flames of the netherworld.
Title: Re: I Can't Stop
Post by: ThePerm on May 10, 2010, 06:51:34 PM
Title: Re: I Can't Stop
Post by: Stogi on May 12, 2010, 03:11:33 PM
just light matches when they happen
Title: Re: I Can't Stop
Post by: Halbred on May 12, 2010, 03:15:49 PM
Haven't tooted a peep today, although last night was filled with deadly emittions. You know the kind? You build up a good amount of farts under the blankets, then billow the covers and they all come flying out, like cursed souls out of Hades? The room is suddenly overcome with horrible methane. Hubble monitors your bedroom with startling clarity as it notes what must be a sudden release of subterranian microbial life exhalations.
Title: Re: I Can't Stop
Post by: vudu on May 12, 2010, 03:20:16 PM
Your wife must be a saint. That, or had her nose bit off by a moose.
Title: Re: I Can't Stop
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 12, 2010, 03:21:46 PM
Or she sleeps on the couch.... or at a friends house.
Title: Re: I Can't Stop
Post by: Halbred on May 12, 2010, 04:53:57 PM
She often threatens to kick me out of bed and into the guest bedroom.
Oh, uh-oh. The farts started again. This is a new aroma, worse than before. You have been warned.
Title: Re: I Can't Stop
Post by: BlackNMild2k1 on May 12, 2010, 06:50:16 PM
If everyone votes for Traffic Cones, I will have Halbred bottle a fart and send it vudu express overnite so the the stench is still fresh.
Title: Re: I Can't Stop
Post by: Halbred on June 14, 2010, 07:06:13 PM
Damn. I haven't been farting a lot today, but when I have farted, man. It's been BAD. Like, don't come over to my cube if you like oxygen.
Title: Re: I Can't Stop
Post by: Halbred on July 06, 2010, 04:20:45 PM
NEW DEVELOPMENT
After a hearty meal of chedder-and-jalapeno brauts, BBQ chicken breasts, and (a little later) mac 'n' cheese, my large intestine filled with noxious gas and proceeded to deprive our bedroom of oxygen last night. It got so bad that my wife actually left and went into the guest bedroom. The cat followed her. The dog followed her. When we all woke up, she claimed that the entire house smelled like ass, and that this is the worst it's ever been.
Windows were opened. Doors were shut.
Here at the office, I have continued to provide an ideal environment for anaerobic bacteria. It really isn't stopping. Every few minutes, the terrible fumes refresh themselves, much to the chagrine of my co-workers. Two of them have left, probably for a meeting, but possibly because they can't inhale.
Title: Re: I Can't Stop
Post by: Toruresu on July 06, 2010, 04:28:28 PM
Roflmao!
Title: Re: I Can't Stop
Post by: Plugabugz on July 06, 2010, 05:50:19 PM
You need to work and live outside.
Title: Re: I Can't Stop
Post by: Kytim89 on July 06, 2010, 05:53:06 PM
Zach, you are not alone when it comes to uncontrolled flatulence. A few nights ago I injested some of my home maide chili and let's just say that my situation is comparable to your dilema. Honestly, I am watching on the news for a giant, noxious cloud of methane to emerge over the skies of Alaska and get into the trade winds. Let's pray that a similar cloud does not hover over Kentucky and the two meet thanks to the trade winds and create an even larger, more deadlier fart cloud.
Here are some sites for helping to deal with farting:
