Topic: B!tch, Don't Correct Me! - The Joke Thread

[vudu]

I stole this joke from here.

Commander Zorg: Which celebrity would you most like to have sex with, living or dead.
Captain Jax: ...
Commander Zorg: ...
Captain Jax: Hmmm. Living or dead?
Commander Zorg: Yep.
Captain Jax: ...
Commander Zorg: ...
Captain Jax: A dead Paris Hilton.

[BlackNMild2k1]

A Boy & His Frog

So this kid is walking down the street and behind him he is pulling a squashed frog. He finally gets to where he is going and it turns out to be the local cat house. He goes inside and tells the Madam that he has money and would like to have sex with a certain girl.


The madam questions him at first but since he does have the money figures why the hell not.
So, she asks the boy, "Which girl?"

"I would like to have sex with Christie" the boy answered.


" Why Christie?" Asks the madam. " She is the most diseased girl I got.
I have several younger and cleaner girls that you could have"

" All I know is that I hear all the men say that have to get a shot after having sex with her. I have the money, now I want to have sex with her."

The madam relents and shows the boy upstairs.
After a little while he comes back down and is getting ready to leave when the madam says, " I have two questions, why did you want to have sex with Christie and why are you dragging a squashed frog behind you?"

So the boy answers, " Tonight my parents will go out. They always get me the same babysitter because she doesn't charge much, but she does have a fondness for young boys and will have sex with me like she always does. After which she will have what I just got from Christie. When they get back home my dad will take her home but on the way he will stop and have his way with her, and thus catching the disease that I gave her."

" When my dad gets back home he will go upstairs and make love to my mom giving her the disease that he got from the babysitter. In the morning, after my dad leaves for work the milkman will come by and will have his way with my mom and he will get the same disease."

After all this the madam asks, "Why would you want to give the milkman an std?"

The boy responds " CAUSE THAT'S THE GOD DAMN BASTARD WHO RAN OVER MY FROG!!!!!!!"

[BeautifulShy]

Wow what a round about way of getting back at someone.

[BlackNMild2k1]

The Little Hitch Hikers

One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!"

The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the mens cammode, wait for a young pilot to come along, and when he sits down you climb right up between his butt cheeks where its nice and warm".

The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was.

The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?"

To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the mens cammode and this pilot came in and sat down, I climbed right up between his butt cheeks and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!

[Hostile Creation]

I am good at posting.  Ignore this.

[BlackNMild2k1]

Quick & Dirty - On the Job

Two Prostitutes were walking down the street.

One turns to the other and says
"Damn girl, we gon get PAID tonite.
I can smell the dick in the air!"

The other one laughed and said,
"I know bitch. I just burped!"

[EasyCure]

wow that was freaking awesome. gotta try to use that in a conversation somehow..

[Stogi]

What's the difference between a dead baby and an apple?


I don't cum all over an apple before I eat it

[EasyCure]

C'mon man even I thought that was in bad taste.

[DAaaMan64]

lol I've been telling that one since I was 4.

[nickmitch]

The one about cuming on apples??

[EasyCure]

he was rated M at a young age.

[DAaaMan64]

goatse is nothing new

[nickmitch]

Been there, done that?

[ThePerm]

new joke?

[EasyCure]

new joke?

Exactly, bumping everything in the fun house is getting old. Learn a new trick!

[BlackNMild2k1]

Social Security

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my
age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'

And she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office!

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
Disability, too'

[Stogi]

So I don't know if this has been said but here goes.

DAM FISH


This preacher and his family are home chillin on a Saturday. It's late in the afternoon and the wife would like to cook dinner. So the wife asks the preacher if he would mind doing some quick grocery shopping for dinner. He said he wouldn't, so she continued to tell him what to get.

"Get some chips, some bread, and some vegetables. Oh and if there's anything on sale in the meat department, pick it up ok?"

"Sure thing."

So the preacher's at the grocery story gathering up items on the list. He picks up the bread and the vegetables, then walks a couple aisles to pick me up the chips. He then goes to the meat department and asks the butcher what they had on sale.

"Well, let's see. We got this chuck roast and we got these dam fish."

"Excuse me, sir! I am a man of the Lord! Could you not curse around me?"

"No, you misunderstood. These are fish that were born in a dam, raised in a dam, and caught in a dam. They're dam fish."

"Oh ok! Well give me two pounds"

"Sure thing"

So the preacher goes home with the groceries and starts to help his wife unload them.

"So what was on sale, honey?"

"These dam fish"

"What was that?!"

"No you misunderstood.  These are fish that were born in a dam, raised in a dam, and caught in a dam. They're dam fish."

"Oh. Well ok. I guess I'll go get the oven preheated."

So now there having dinner. The son and daughter are there and they're hungry. Everyone is passing around the food and filling up their plate.

"Honey?"

"Yes, dear?"

"Can you pass the dam fish?"

The son burst outs.

"That's the spirit, Dad! Can someone pass me the fucking potatoes?!"

[Stogi]

What's heaven like

At the pearly gates, three men are standing waiting to enter heaven.

"STEP FORWARD, YOUNG SQUIRE!" Echoed St. Peter's voice.

The first dude looks around baffled, then shrugs his shoulders reluctantly and steps forward.

"FOR NOT COMMITTING THE CRIME OF ADULTERY, you have earned yourself a cad-y-lac. Enjoy it well, young gentle man, and welcome to heaAVEN!" *Choirs sing*

"Why is he talking like--"

"STEP FORTH, DEVOTE SERVANT!"

The second man steps forward.

"FOR CHEATING ON THOU SPOUSE, you have earned yourself a 1986 Hyundai Stellar. Now enter hastly. I can't stand to see such filth!" *Choirs sing*

"What a piece of sh---"

"STEP FORWARD, YOUNG.......I SAID FORWARD......FORWARD!"

The third man finally stands before Peter.

"FOR CHEATING ON THOU WIFE WITH HER YOUNGER SISTER, you are awarded a bicycle. 10 speed.....with a horn. *Choirs sing*

"But that's a g---"

"WHO'S NEXT?!"

Later....in heaven.

*Bike horn* "Hey guys, what's up? Whacha looking at?"
"It's dude over there. He's crying." He looks over and it's the dude that received a Cadillac, pulled over crying.
"Oh wait, I know that dude. Hold on. I'mma check it out"
*Bike horn* "Hey bro, are you alright? Something wrong?"
"No....I just happen to be crying in Heaven you fucking idiot! Of course, somethings wrong!"
"Well....what is it?"
"I just saw my wife pass by...."
"Oh, so your sad that she finally passed away?"
"No! She was riding a fucking skateboard!"

[RABicle]

Aahaha yeah I've heard that one before. The punchline was the same, but the delivery different.

[BlackNMild2k1]

The Accident

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY! !!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

-----------------------------------------------------

Reflection

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

[BlackNMild2k1]

This one sounds familiar, but I'm gonna post it anyway.

Having Mom over for Dinner


Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate,
Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship
between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met
the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you
must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver
gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?' Brian said,’ Well,
I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down
and wrote:

Dear Mom,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm
not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains
that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that
read:


Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that
you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer
is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

[Khushrenada]

I don't remember it but I will now. Classic.

[BranDonk Kong]

What's the best thing about twenty six year olds?


There's twenty of them!

[BlackNMild2k1]

What's the best thing about twenty six year olds?


There's twenty of them!

This is from the 1st page

What's the best part of sex with twenty eight year olds?

There's twenty of them

almost 3 years ago.