Topic: A confession of a gamer girl

[segagamersteph]

I didn't want to put this in the fun house because I know the nature of this place would make it difficult to take seriously. However, due to the nature of my struggle, previous relationship and current situation, I felt like it would be pest to post this here.

This is all a part of my therapy. Getting over the anxiety of the past starts with correcting the mistakes I have made. I need to first apologize to everyone here I have wronged. I was not the most mature poster and I blamed my behavior on my perceived bullying. In fact the truth is far more real than that. My struggle comes from a place I was not willing to admit. This is my true confession, and it's as real and heartfelt as possible.

The real reason I was such a angry, nasty person, while not excusable it's the truth, is I was struggling with accepting the truth I was a transgendered woman stuck in a man's body fighting my own disgust and hatered of myself. It was not easy for me to get to a place where I can freely admit not only to myself but to those around me. So far my family has been very understanding, more so than I anticipated considering our Baptist upbringing.
My struggle increased when I moved from somewhat conservative Nevada to really consevative Nebraska to the least friendly state to trans people, Texas. I think facing my own fears was the first step. I am not afraid of being who I am any more. I am here to say my old self, the angry man who denied her womanhood, is gone. I am thus, using this opportunity to reveal to you all, as part of my journey to transforming into the woman I need to be to find my happiness I was missing out on all these years.
I am also here to say, there, if you wanted to know why I was such a terrible person it was because I was facing hating myself, shame, fear disgust combined with guilt over just needing to express myself as a woman and never having the courage to do so. I finally met a woman, an Arab of all people, in Texas, who has gone out of her way to not only be accepting of me but supportive as well.
I know there is a rule against politics and religion and, well since i am not planning on sticking around as I am not sure what response I will receive, I just want everyone to know, the haters, the bullies, the people I maybe attacked unfairly and those who I perceived as haters who weren't, I want everyone to know this is the real me, the real truth and I am deeply ashamed of my previous behavior and now you all know more about why I was not cool.
I am still a Nintendo gamer at heart, gamer girl in real life and a true Sega fan. I am no longer using my given name, so my nickname which was based on his initials, are also no longer a part of my life.
FOr the purposes of moving on and allowing the healing to begin I want everyone to know THE RAT is no longer a part of my life.
I am leaving my email here for any women, trans or otherwise, who wish to offer me support, advice, or encouragement please feel free to do so. Everyone else, please let the rat die, he was garbage and in his place is Stephanie, a woman who is finally free of her past. Thank you all for the memories, even the bad ones were grounded in some fun arguments.
(This is not a joke post I only put it here where those I needed to see it would.)
Insanolord, I want you to know I won't be sticking around, I respect my ban and my need to be away from this place, all I ask is you leave this here for those that knew the rat can forgive me for being a monster and know as Stephanie I am trying to be a better person all the way around.


segagamersteph@gmail.com I am also on twitter, segagamersteph, thanks all. stay cool. Enjoy the Switch I am LOVING it myself.

[BeautifulShy]

Glad you were able to find yourself Stephanie.

[Order.RSS]

Heya, I can't pretend to know even half of the history at play here since I was a late forum signup, nor am I even certain who you 'used' to be on here. That said, it sounds like you're taking control of who you are and want to be, and I wanted to cheer that on from the sidelines.

Go forge your own future Stephanie, and I hope that somewhere down the line in that future you'll come to embrace parts of your past as well. Everyone does things they regret based on any number of invalid reasons. Being able to learn from those experiences to better yourself, makes such a past still valuable to some degree even if it stays associated with shameful thoughts.

Wish you all the best in your path forward. It might be a perpetual process of reinstating and reshaping your own identity, and hey that's totally fine. Take care of yourself and others around you Steph, best of luck!

[Fatty The Hutt]

Good for you. I wish you nothing but peace and happiness.

[lolmonade]

Stephanie,

We all owe our younger selves a healthy dose of forgiveness and understanding, regardless of the circumstances we found ourselves in.  I wouldn't dare judge your prior actions, especially given how harrowing the experience of transitioning must be. 

I understand if you don't want to hang around, as I know how much bad experiences taint ones memories and can salt the earth in your mind.  But if you at least come back to this thread to read the comments, I hope you take comfort in knowing that I doubt anyone here would have contempt for you in context of your personal struggles.

Best of luck to you, Stephanie.  I'm glad to read that you have a family that supports you in this change, and hope you find joy and happiness in your new life.

[NWR_insanolord]

I'm happy for your sake that you've figured things out, and you're welcome to stick around and be part of this community again if you'd like to.

[segagamersteph]

Thank's y'all, I am 99 percent certain the anger is gone so there shouldn't be any more problems. I will withdraw if I start to feel too negative but things are so much better now that I been getting help.

[nickmitch]

Wow.  Congrats on making so much progress on your personal journey!  I'm glad to hear you're in a better place these days, and I hope you continue to find happiness!

[Evan_B]

I’ll give you a hearty @NWR_James for being brave and having the courage to bring it up to all of us. I wish you nothing but happiness, Steph.

[Mop it up]

I'm glad you were able to find peace, and I hope it continues.

[segagamersteph]

Update:
So far all three of my sisters now know. I wish I could say they are all supportive, but there is one who tossed some old testament my way and left it at that.

I have a gf who has been supportive and encouraging. (not romantic partner but a female friend who has been helping me)

It's been nothing but liberating shedding my past. I was such a miserable person mostly because I never dealt with the truth, I just suppressed it with self loathing and depression.

Thanks for all the encouragement people I don't feel half as much of the negativity I used to feel, I guess with the paranoia gone I don't see demons everywhere so that's been good.

I think once I get out of Texas and return to the west coast I will be a lot less fearful of getting found out.

[BeautifulShy]

It is good to have support at home because the alternative can be a nightmare to deal with.   Having supportive family is not always the case so appreciate it. Glad 2 of your sisters are supportive.


As to moving to the west coast it should help tremendously.   Hope you can achieve that.

[segagamersteph]

Another update.


Going to get personal here so bare with me.

The short version is, when I was in high school I sorta dated a girl. We never got physical but I later found out she was in a bi-sexual relationship with one of my sisters. This didn't really bother me too much but I figured whatever we're friends so I reached out to her. She told me point blank, wow, not just at my transformation but also she said she never saw me smile and that was the more important thing about taking this journey.

On a side note, I didn't tell my mom yet but we had a heart to heart that makes me think she will be okay with it when I am ready to.

On a professional level, I might be working on a project that features someone famous who I am a fan. I can't say who or what the project is but one famous person I am in contact with wants me to arrange a meeting with someone else so I already reached out to them via the channels and am waiting back.

I also have a meeting tomorrow with someone to possibly do an interview with Rodney Carrington. I will know more tomorrow. I have a reliable contact who I am hoping will make something happen.

Things are certainly getting exciting both personally and professionally. Thanks for all the support it's been very refreshing putting my past behind me and moving forward towards a new life.

[nickmitch]

That's really exciting!  Best of luck with your career and talking with your mom.

[segagamersteph]

I guess I am really grateful that every single person I have told so far has been some level of either supportive, or understanding. The only question I am sick of being asked if it means I am gay. Um, like what I can't be a lesbian... Hope this isn't political will leave it there. It's an understandable question it's just, I don't want to get into all my private stuff just want people to see me as a female trapped in a mans body looking for a way to find a better life.

Thanks for the kind words and forgiveness folks it's been a long, painful journey. I think it might be time to close this thread though, I said my peace, thanks.