Topic: B!tch, Don't Correct Me! - The Joke Thread

[BlackNMild2k1]

Choose Your Fate...

One day in the future, Jesse Jackson has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list,
but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to
do.

I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll
let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU
decide who leaves."

Jesse thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to
the first room. In it, was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He
kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he
dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Jesse said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I
don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that
hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Jesse.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Jesse saw Bill Clinton,
lying on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs
restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,
doing what she does best.

Jesse looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah, I
can handle this."

The devil smiled and said . . . . . . . . .






"OK, Monica, you're free to go."                                                                                                                                                         

[Zach]

alright lets go:

Ok, there is this great business man, and he decides he wants to settle down and live on a farm (think green acres)

anyway, he finds this old farm for sale that is just perfect, but many of the trees have bee hives, and he is very allergic to bees.  So he talks to the owner, an old farmer, about the issue.

the farmer tells the business man that these are friendly bees, and they would never ever sting a person unless they were really provoked, but the business man still is unconvinced.  So the farmer comes up with a deal, he said if the business man would strip naked, and allow himself to be tied up to one of the trees with a beehive for an hour, the farmer would give him 75% off the land if a bee stung him.

The business man thought about this, and he realized that it was too good of a deal to pass up.  so he agrees to be tied naked to the tree under the bee hive for an hour.

The farmer ties him up, then goes back to his house for an hour, he comes back to see that the businessman is slouched over in the ropes, and looks kinda bad.

"Did a bee sting you?" asked the farmer

"Not one even touched me" said the man in a very tired voice, "but doesnt that calf have a mother?"  

[Mario]

tldr

[Smash_Brother]

Three CIA agents in training have completed all the tests and trials, save one. For this final test, they are flown via black ops chopper to an ancient stronghold on an island off the coast of Ireland.

The head CIA instructor awaits them in the highest tower, and asks for the first of the three trainees to be sent in.

The trainee walks up to him as the instructor pulls a gun from his coat and says, "You've completed all the tests, but in order to prove your loyalty to the CIA, I want you to go down to the courtyard and kill your wife."

The man looks out the window of the tower and sees his wife exploring the courtyard. He looks back to the instructor and says, "We've been married for 20 years, you could never ask me to kill my wife!"

"FINE!" the instructor roars, "Get out! You're DONE!" The second trainee comes in. Same thing. "Go down to the courtyard and kill your husband," says the instructor.

She looks out the window of the tower and likewise sees her husband in the courtyard. "But we're newlyweds!" she exclaimed, "You could never ask me to-"

"Then you're OUT!" screamed the instructor, and summoned the third trainee.

"In order to prove your loyalty to the CIA," said the instructor, clutching the gun, "go down to the courtyard and kill your wife." The third trainee snatched the gun from his hand, hurled down the tower stairs and from the window the instructor could hear 8 gunshots ring out, one BANG after another echoing in the tower, then a huge struggle, glass breaking, people screaming...

Finally, it's quiet.

The trainee comes back up the tower stairs, hands the gun to the instructor and says, "Would you believe it? Some jackass put BLANKS in that thing! I had to strangle the bitch!"

[BlackNMild2k1]

A new blond female employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory, and she reports for her first day promptly at 08:00.

The next day at 08:45 there is a knock at the Personnel Managers door.

The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about  the new employee.    He complains that she is incredibly slow, and the whole  line is backing up putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there, the line is so backed  up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and  they're really beginning to pile up.    

At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.  

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watch in amazement  as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.   "I'm sorry." he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,  "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.

Your  job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
 

[BlackNMild2k1]

How about one in celebration of Valentines Day!!!


Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that
they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. Since Valentine's
Day is named after a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will
God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would
get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama  Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden ?", her father asks
in shock.

"Well,"  she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl
could have enough  love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to
think that maybe we're not all  bad, and maybe start loving people a
little bit. And if other kids saw what I  did and sent valentines to
Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start  going all over
the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he  didn't
hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.
"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've  ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open,
the Marines could blow the crap out of him."

[BlackNMild2k1]

So nobody has anymore jokes huh? Well lucky for you I got a few more...

This is for all those married people out there


One day a father gets out of work  and on his way home
He remembers that its his daughter's birthday.
He  pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson,
"How much is the Barbie  on
the display window?"
The Salesperson answers, "Which one?  We  have:

Work Out Barbie for $19.95

Shopping Barbie for  $19.95

Beach Barbie for $19.95

Disco Barbie for  $19.95

Divorced Barbie for $265.95

The amazed father asks,  "What!?  Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and
the others only  $19.95?"

The salesperson annoyingly answers:
"Sir....Divorced  Barbie comes with:


Ken's Car,
Ken's House,
Ken's  Boat,
Ken's Furniture,
Ken's Computer and.... One of Ken's  friends


Better make this Valentines Day a good one  

[couchmonkey]

What's the best part of sex with twenty eight year olds?

There's twenty of them

[vudu]

A couple of these are wrong, but here goes:

How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles?
Nail its other hand to the floor

How do you get a baby into a shoe box?
Use a blender

How do you get a baby out of a shoe box?
Chips

And the worst one of the bunch...

What do you get when you cut a baby?
An erection

[BlackNMild2k1]

you guys are sick, I love it, keep 'em coming


Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods. He found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up trashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden ...POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said,

"I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life . . . . . As a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"

THEN POOF! . . . . she was gone.

After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend,

"Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."

Harry yells back......

"DON'T SWING FRED!!! DON'T SWING!!!!!"

[BlackNMild2k1]

Ok, one more for the night, actually try to guess along with this one

This my friends is one smart kid!


Subject: What Starts with F and ends with K


A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......"

[couchmonkey]

The rest of my jokes are all relatively tame ones from Reader's Digest.  I.E.

A farmer is having problems with people running over his chickens, so he asks the local sherrif for some help. The sherrif has a school bus sign put outside the property so people will slow down.  A couple of weeks later, the farmer tells the sherrif that the sign isn't really working, and asks if he can put up a sign of his own.  The sherrif says okay.  Two more weeks pass, and the sherrif runs into the farmer and asks him how his sign is working.  The farmer says, "Great, I haven't had any chicken run over since I put it up."  The sherrif thinks this sign might be useful for something else, so he drives past the farmer's house to see what it says:

WATCH OUT FOR NUDE CHICKS  

[BlackNMild2k1]

here is another on for you...


A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of
         golf balls,  and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The
       puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

       Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

       Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and
       finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt
       as much as tennis elbow?"

[Zach]

If youve seen the movie Big Fish, then youve already heard this joke.

One night little bobby has a dream, in the dream everything is dark, and all there is is a raven repeating "Your aunt is going to die, Your aunt is going to die, Your aunt is going to die..."

The next morning bobby tells his father about the dream, and the father tells bobby that it was only a dream and not to worry about it.

Later that day, Bobby's aunt dies.  This kinda freaks bobby and his father out for obvious reasons.

Next week, bobby has another dream, the same one as before except the raven is saying "Your daddys going to die, Your daddies going to die, your daddys going to die..."

Again bobby tells his father about the dream, and his father says again that it is just a dream, but he really starts to worry.

The father decides to just go about his day like normal, so he goes to work, but he is constantly afraid that something is going to kill him.  The father cant concentrate, or do anything, and he constantly looks over his shoulder.

The fathe comes home and starts to tell his wife about the horrible day he has had.

The wife says "You think you had a bad day, the milkman dropped dead on the porch today!!!"

[KnowsNothing]

ahahah baby jokes

What's funnier than a dead baby?
a dead baby in a clown suit

What's the difference between dead babies and bowling balls?
you can't load a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork

Also, it's "What begins with F and ends with UCK?"  It's still firetruck, but it's, you know, better.

[BlackNMild2k1]

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a
man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a  seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the  world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come   with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we   haven't been to together since we got married in 1970."

"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find  someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".

The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

[Hostile Creation]

I like my women how I like my scotch. Seven years old and full of coke.

[BlackNMild2k1]

What do you tell woman with two black eyes?

Nothing. You already told her twice

[BlackNMild2k1]

The difference between having Guts and having Balls...

Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."

[BlackNMild2k1]

Why Condoms Come In Boxes Of 3, 6, And 12
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display,
and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in
health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a
package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday,
ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are
these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday,
TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks,
picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for
married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....."
 

[BlackNMild2k1]

Two priests are off to the showers  late one night. They undress and step
into the showers  before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he
has soap in his  room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back  to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading  his way. Having
no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes  like he's a
statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he  looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches  out and pulls on his manhood.

Startled,  he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look" says  the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood  .... sure
enough he drops the second bar of  soap.

Now the third nun decides to have  a go. She pulls once, then twice and
three times but  nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then
yells, "Holy Mary,  Mother of God - Hand Lotion,  too!"

[wandering]

So a dog walks into a telegram office.

"Hello, sir. Would you like to send a telegram?"

The dog nods.

"What do you want it to say?"

"Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof."

"Very good, sir. Bud did you know you can add another 3 woofs for the same price?"

The dog looked puzzled."But.....that wouldn't make any sense at all!"



.......



Well, I found it funny.

[BlackNMild2k1]

Hey, I found it funny too


An Asian man was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asks the American
bank teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen today I
get hunat eighty?

The bank teller says, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man says, "Fluc you white guys too!"

[TMW]

At the top of a brand new skyscraper, somebody had the bright idea to build a bar.

It was pretty popular, and one day a man was sitting down, drunk as a skunk, and loudly making seeimngly impossible claims as to his manhood, and how he spent his childhood.

A young man, who had been absent from the majority of the drunken mans spiel, sat down next to him.  The drunkard looked at him, sized him up, and said, "I bet you $400 that I can jump out that window over there, and fly right back in."

The young man looked at him incredulously.  "No way.  Impossible."

The drunkard stood up, glared at the boy, and took out his wallet, and laid $400 on the bar in front of him.

The young man couldn't beleive it.  At the very least, he wasn't going to bet the man to jump out a window.  

"I'm not gonna take your bet!"

The drunkard smiled, grabbed his cash, and said "Your loss" as he ran and jumped out the window.  

Half the patrons gasped and ran towards the window, to see if he had grabbed onto the ledge or something.  But...he wasn't there.

However, about 20 seconds later the drunkard came flying back in laughing like a madman.  He walked back over to the bar, sat down, and ordered another drink.

The young man was astonished.  "How did you do that?"

The drunkard smiled into his beer and said, "Its the way they build these new skyscrapers nowadays, to prevent jumpers from dying.  They are architectually designed so that the wind will catch whoever jumps and put them back in the window they jumped from."

The young man couldn't beleive it...but here was proof. And he had to try it.

So, he slammed his beer, wiped his mouth, and took a running leap out the window.




The bartender looked up from the glass he was polishing and said, "Superman, you're a real sonofabitch when you're drunk."

[BlackNMild2k1]

that was a good one

--------------------------------------------

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy
class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the
surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them "In medicine, it is
necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that
you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in
the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his student. The students
freaked out, hesitated for several minutes but eventually took turns
sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor look at them and told them,
"the second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my
middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."