The Triple Negative Principle.This review is going to be about the truth. Or should I say, the multiple truths that run through our gaming vernacular. One such truth is that sports games get yearly updates that change little more than roster. Another is that launch title games for new platforms tend to be very shallow tech demonstrations. There is even my own postulate as to the number of corporate logos before the title screen being directly correlated to the awfulness of the title. But the most often remembered and repeated is this: Licensed titles are heavily inclined to be terrible. Even if one
can name several licensed titles that aren’t garbage, they are met with a mountainous preponderance of evidence to the contrary.
But a strange thing happens. What if there are two licenses being utilized at the same time? Is there a precedent for this? Yes, in fact, there is. The original Lego Star Wars somehow pulled a double negative. The two licenses fused to create something that is good, great, and what some would dare to describe as awesome. The negative stigma of the Star Wars license was in one way or another cancelled out by the negative stigma of another, equal license, that being Lego Toys.
So why does this game suck so badly? Well, for starters, I beat this entire game in approximately 38 minutes. That’s right, less than an hour. I’m not one of those guys who hammers on a game’s length like a harpy. (16 hours?! I paid three times the price of a movie for eight times the potential entertainment? RIPOFF!!) But 38 minutes is pushing it. What was the secret to my fantastic speed run? I ran forward and held the B button. That created an unstoppable column of laser right in front of me. All enemies were destroyed almost instantly. I had to let up on the B button occasionally, to build a bridge or open a door, or use the force, but my thumb was cemented to the B button the rest of the time.
After I had beaten the entire game, I was informed by the opening menu screen that I had only completed 40% of the game. Are there perhaps… extra levels? No. Most of it is unlockable characters to play through the same levels again. These are purchased with Lego Studs that are found by randomly destroying things in the main game. And if it sounds useless, that is correct. After I stormed through the entire game, I really had no desire to replay each level with a different character, especially when the change is only cosmetic.
As for the miscellany, the graphics are somewhat grainy, and there is some hardcore slowdown in the later missions of Episode VI. The sound includes some tinny MIDI recreations of the most familiar film music of all time. The controls are effective, and by that I mean the control pad and the B button function correctly. But honestly, this entire game is just shallow and bad.
So why does it suck? It should be protected by the double negative of the two licenses. Ah, but the truth is that there is a third negative at work here., that being the console-game-ported-to-handheld negative. As far as I know, that is a Triple Negative.
And since this article is about truths, I should dispense the real truths about the source material: Star Wars. Greedo shot first, complaints registered against the new trilogy can easily be levied with much more accuracy to the old one, the special editions improved the movies by leaps and bounds, the Ewok song is chiefly retarded, C-3PO is twice as annoying as Jar Jar Binks (and he’s in ALL SIX MOVIES), and Harrison Ford, Liam Neeson, and Samuel L. Jackson are the only actors to escape this entire series alive. Chew on that, beyyoooootch~~!
Pros:
Uh…. You can uh… Ensure your other GBA games are the proper length, as it features the regulated standard size GBA cartridge
Cons:
I started the game while watching House and beat it before House ended Uninspired and boring Mars the decency of the console titles
Graphics: 4.0
Grainy pre-rendered captures of the full polygonal models running in environments that “sort of" resemble something Star Wars-y, with some ridiculous slowdown in the later levels.
Sound: 4.0
I’ve heard all of this music too much already, but would it kill them to at least attempt a better rendition than this?
Control: 8.0
Control pad? Check. B button? Check. You are more or less ready to play the entire game, with few exceptions.
Gameplay: 3.0
Good gravy, what happened here?
Lastability: 1.0
Ditto.
Final: 2.0
It is this sort of cynical effort that makes the distinguished gamer shy away from any GBA/DS game sporting a license. The house always wins in that casino. And that’s the truth.
Topic: REVIEWS: LEGO Star Wars II: The Original Trilogy (Read 2580 times)
