10) Daily Nintendo Directs done live from his office while rifling through the minifridge and putting into the executive golf ball-return feeder
9) Exciting new Switch accessories and hardware add-ons planned for near-immediate obsolescence
8) Nintendo branded ice cream cones introduced solely to mock Playstation Move
7) 2DS/3DS retired in favor of 1DS to help cut costs
6) Splatoon 3 set to take place on the newly united Korean peninsula
5) Karen confirmed for Smash
4) Mother 4 confirmed (DSi XL eshop exclusive)
3) Yamauchi periodically revived through a strange combination of Oculus Rift, robotics, and Wii Motion Plus
2) Two Words: Labo City
1) Company rebranded "Nintendonk"